I blow too fast and too hard

*That is what she said*

Yesterday I went for some sort of uranium test. Now the whole premise of the test was I had to blow into a green tube, then drink some funky liquid, wait 30 minutes and then blow into a yellow tube. Apparently the test will tell them if the medicine has worked or not. I have no idea if I drank the uranium, blew into the uranium or had any sort of contact with the uranium. But I am told that it was there.

All that being said, when I went for the test, I wasn’t sure what to expect so I rolled with everything that the nurse was telling me to do. And for the most part, she really had nothing to say. The only time she actually made a comment was when I was blowing into the tubes.

Apparently, I blow really hard and really fast. Most people don’t usually blow like I blow.

Take from that what you will.

Mismatched

Maks is going through some stuff. For those of you that have never had the honour of meeting Maks, he is of mixed race.  (So is Mat for that matter)

Millhouse is a pasty Eastern European / East Coast Canadian. He says the word sun and he gets sunburnt. This is not an over exaggeration on my part. This is a statement of fact. When we went to Cuba, I thought I had covered all his exposed areas in sunscreen but I didn’t. I missed his ankles and his ankles burned. Literally HIS ANKLES!! He had to walk around with Colgate on his ankles because he got a sun burn on his ANKLES. When does that happen??

I, on the other hand, am a dark shade of brown, maybe a dark milk chocolate complexion but not mocha. My family is Trinidadian and we look like we are from an island because we are.

Maks is supposed to be a combination of those two things and be a dark caramel sort of complexion. But because of his love of the outdoors he more closely resembles me. There were even times this summer when he was darker than I was because he was spending more times outside than I was. Neither of the boys have the light complexion that Millhouse has. There have been times, in the past, when people have asked darker skinned friends if they were the boys’ dad, not realizing that Millhouse is their father. When the boys are with Millhouse, the most popular assumption that people make is that the boys are mine but they are not his.

Now this has never been much of a problem for Maks until this school year. Maks best friend in school is Guyanese* so his complexion is very similar to Maks’. In fact R and Maks could be related. They are the same height, weight, hair colour and type. If you were looking at them from behind, they could be brothers. They have been in the same class for the past three years but this year things have become noticeable.

And this is what presents the problem.

The boys are using their similarities to confuse their teacher. It has gotten to the point where R will get in trouble but the teacher will yell at Maks to behave. She cannot tell them apart at times. And Maks finds this wildly hilarious and has started to refer to R as his long lost cousin not his school friend.

This is all well and good except for the fact that R’s parents are both the same race and nationality. Maks’ parents are not. Maks has started to pull away from identifying with Millhouse and now only identifies with the Trinidadian genes that he has because R can easily relate to his Guyanese genes. He is noticing just how much different he and his dad are and he is starting to distance himself from his father because of it. When they are together he feels like they do not match because people cannot identify Millhouse as his dad because they look nothing alike. Now if you look past complexion at Millhouse and Maks, you will see they have the same features. They have the same chin, mouth shape, hands, walk and stand. But Maks cannot see all that. He just sees that he and his dad are not the same in ways that other kids and their dads are the same.

I know he is having a hard time processing this. He tries to avoid discussion of race with Millhouse but by not discussing it, it is making it all the more obvious. It is starting to bother Millhouse and this is a discussion that needs to be had.

But I don’t know where to start.

*Quick geography lesson – Guyana is a country on the coast of South America. Indo – Guyanese people tend to resemble Indo – Trinidadian people, but Trinidadians are waaaaay better looking and have a sexier accent. The accent thing is a proven scientific fact, google it if you don’t believe me. And the better looking part is just obvious, ah duh!

Truth or Dare

*I overheard this conversation in progress and only joined it at the end. This one did not involve me directly.  This happened as Millhouse was getting Mat ready for bed.*

Mat: Daddy, do you want to play truth or dare?

Millhouse: Sure

Mat: Truth or dare?

Millhouse: Truth!

Mat: Who do you love more; Maks or me?

Millhouse: *the look of pure fear in his eyes* I love you both equally.

Mat: Nope. You need to pick just one.

Millhouse:…

Me: This is why you always pick dare.

Not so secret

OK, so I just figured out that even though you need to sign in to see the blog, if you already had the blog on a reader, all the posts are still visible. So this whole cloak and dagger stuff isn’t necessary if you have access to a reader.

Turns out my ninja skills pretty much suck.

Private posts are still private on the reader though. So I can continue to make all really specific information private and leave the posts about Mat’s poop habits open for all to see because everyone needs to know about Mat’s poop habits. Now the only catch with making the private posts private is that readers will have to sign in twice; once to see the blog itself and once to see the post. I don’t think anyone would really mind doing all that so be prepared that is what start happening.

Conspiracy Theory – Peeping Toms

So since I started this whole register before reading the blog thing, I have had five people who I have never ever heard of try and register to access the blog.

That’s weird, right?

Or is it just me?

I think it is kind of weird. Part of me is wondering if the insurance company has been trying to access the blog. I am not sure if this whole switch to having an attorney help me out has put me on some sort of a hit list. I was warned that might happen.  That’s why I put the blog on lock down in the first place.

I just wasn’t expecting it to happen this fast. I figured it would take at least thirty days for the insurance to take this turn of events seriously and start searching me for whatever dirt they could find.  But this might not be the case.

Or I could be completely off.

Maybe these people have always been reading my blog and this has nothing to do with the insurance company.

But I think it might have to do with the insurance.

Conversations with my mother

Me: *standing in the kitchen, holding up a plastic bag filled with stuff from the bulk store* Mother, what is this?

Mother: Oh, that. It’s syphilis.

Me: *laughing* It’s what?

Mother: It’s syphilis.

Me: It is not. They do not sell syphilis at the bulk food store.

Mother: Yes, they do. That’s where I got it.

Me: Syphilis is a sexually transmitted disease that leads to brain infections. If you got that from the bulk store, I would be concerned.

Mother: Stop! It is fiber!

Me: Psyllium! Is it Psyllium fiber!

Mother: YES!!!!

Love Lockdown

If you follow me on social media, you’ve probably noticed that some things have changed with me. From the very beginning, I have tried to stay accessible. I have kept my private life private but have not shied away from putting my thoughts out there. But now my Twitter, Instagram and blog are all private.

Turns out that all this stuff going on with my health and lack of help from the insurance has pushed me to take some serious measures. And because of that, people will be looking to disprove my intentions and health.

So I have decided to lay low for the next little while.

This won’t be forever but for now this is best.

Bathroom Conversations – The Mat Edition

Mat: Mommy! I am done bathing! *Mat jumps out of the shower*

Me: Are you sure?

Mat: Yes. I am clean now.

Me: And you washed all over with soap?

Mat: Yes.

Me: Then why is your face still dry?

**

*The boys are sitting on the floor playing with Lego and watching TV. There are snacks and drinks on the end table beside them.*

Me: Guys, I have to run upstairs. I will be right back. Is there anything that you need before I go up?

Both boys: …

Me: Guys? Did you hear me? I have to go upstairs and I will be right back. Is there anything you need before I go up?

Both boys: …

Me: GUYS!!!! Did you hear me? I have to go upstairs and I will be right back. Is there anything you need before I go up?

Both boys: Huh? No, we are good.

Me: *Walks upstairs. Walks into the bathroom. Shuts the door. Sits on the potty.*

Maks: MOMMY!!!! Where are you? I need help.

Mat: MOMMY!!!! Where are you? Maks is bothering me.

Both boys: MOMMMMMMMYYYYYYYY!!!!!!

Me: …

**

Mat: Mommy! Guess where I am?

Me: You’re in the potty.

Mat: How did you know? Can you smell my poo?

Me: No, Mat. I figured you were in there because the bathroom door was closed and the light was on. I cannot smell your poo from here.

Mat: Oh, OK. Do you want to smell my poo?

Me: …

**

Mat: MOMMMMMMMMYYYYYYYYYYY!!! I NEED HELP!!!!!! COME QUICK!!!!!!!

Me: Where are you?!?!?! What’s wrong?!?!!?!

Mat: I am in the potty. My poo is stuck in my bum and won’t come out. Help me get it out.

Me: When did my life get this glamorous?

What’s for lunch?

Mat: Mommy, what’s for lunch today?

Me: Salami.

Mat: Nnnnnnoooooooooooo!!! I don’t like salami. You always give me salami. I want something different.

Me: Ok, I will give you something different.

*The next day*

Mat: Mommy, what’s for lunch today?

Me: Hot Dogs.

Mat: OK.  Not salmai, right?

Me:  Not salami, just hot dogs.

*Later that day*

Me: Mat, how was your lunch.

Mat: No good. I didn’t eat the hot dogs. I don’t like hot dogs. Tomorrow can I have salami?

Me: …

White bread soaked in goat’s milk

This is absolutely not a recipe post! Most of the time, I avoid most milk products in general. I am not a fan of mammalian lactation of any sort really. I will occasionally have some cheese or yogurt or ice cream but as a general rule, I never drink mammalian milk; hence why my coffee is always black. I have no issues with other people drinking milk but just the idea of it makes me gag and unless it is the milk Hindus use during poojas (the kind that is saturated with strange leaves, honey and butter) I stanchly refuse milk and would never eat bread that has been soaked in it, unless it is bread pudding.

But there is a point to this title. I remember watching a t.v. show once where one of the characters said this. He was under so much stress at work, he developed crazy ulcers and the only thing he was able to eat without his stomach hurting him was white bread soaked in goats milk. At the time, I couldn’t believe stress would hurt your stomach that much; you would not be able to eat food. I believe it now.

I am not at the point yet where I can only eat white bread and goat’s milk but when it comes to my stomach but I am really close. I was telling Millhouse and Beanz yesterday about how my stomach now has this unbalance to it. When it is empty, there is this constant ache with this ever present weird taste in my mouth. And as soon as I eat something (yesterday, it was a baby carrot) the balance goes out of whack. It feels like as soon as the food sinks into my stomach, the bile and other yucky things rises and makes the pain so much worse and the nausea comes back and just sits in my throat. I have started taking antacids right after I eat and throughout the day, to settle my stomach and try to keep the bile from rising and it does work for about 15 minutes but then I am right back to where I started. It even happens with water. It feels like I cannot put anything into my stomach without having it go all out of balance.

It really sucks when I am hungry. I still want and need to eat but most times I am too scared to eat. I am worried that the out of balance stuff will make things hurt. And I am afraid of over filling my stomach. I have discovered that on top of everything else, when I eat the portions that I used to eat, it is too much and I throw up almost an hour after eating. I have given up on regular sized dinner plates, and started eating on saucers because that is the portion size that my stomach can handle. I cannot eat much more than that without throwing up.

And just to mess with me, with all this going on; the throwing up, the small portions, and the mostly not eating; I AM NOT LOSING WEIGHT!!! My weight has stayed the same. You would assume I would be dropping weight big time with all the throwing up and stuff but my stomach is still as puffy and hard as it always was and my weight has remained the exact same since I started this new regime of medicine.

It is really hard for me to say if the medicine is actually helping or not. It feels like my stomach has gotten worse rather than getting better. Before the medicine, the pain was there but this throwing up stuff was not. I am not sure if this imbalance and throwing up is something that will go on after the medicine is over but I have a feeling my stomach will never be the same again.