A little bit of ha ha

Just because I am in a crappy mood, it doesn’t mean that you have to be. I hope at least one of these puts a smile on your face.

1. Losing all your friends
Man comes home and finds his wife with his friend in bed.
He shoots his friend and kills him.
Wife says ‘If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends.’

2. Brother wanted
A small boy wrote to Santa Claus,’ send me abrother’….
Santa wrote back, ‘SEND ME YOUR MOTHER’….

3. Meaning of WIFE
Husband asks, ‘Do you know the meaning of WIFE? Itmeans ‘Without Information Fighting Everytime’!’
Wife replies, ‘No, it means ‘With Idiot For Ever’!!!’

4. Importance of a period
Teacher: ‘Do you know the importance of a period?’
Kid: ‘Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got a heart attack &ur driver ran away.’

5. Confident vs. confidential
A young boy asks his Dad, ‘What is the difference between confident and confidential?
‘Dad says, ‘You are my son, I’m confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my son, that’s confidential! ‘

6. Anger management?
Husband: ‘When I get mad at you, you never fight back.
How do you control your anger?’
Wife: ‘I clean the toilet.’
Husband: ‘How does that help?’
Wife: ‘I use your toothbrush .’

Yucky Mood

I am in a crappy mood, and that justifies my lunch.

I just ate an entire large container of French fries that were smothered in ketchup and had a can of coke. Not diet coke, regular full of sugar and calories coke, ice cold from the vending machine. And now I am going to get a chocolate bar, not a piece of a chocolate bar, an entire chocolate bar. One that is filled with peanuts, nougat and caramel; you know the kind, the 400 calorie kind. I am supposed to be eating healthy but I’m not. I am probably going to feel really guilty about this later on but I don’t care. It tasted really good, gosh dang it, and that’s all that matters right now.

P.S. I am looking for the winning lottery numbers, if anyone has them please pass them along. There are some things that I need to get. Thanks in advance!

Dear Pooper

Dear Pooper,

I understand that every living organism on the face of the earth must expel waste, i.e. poop. If they do not they may poison their insides and/or explode. So I do not have a problem with you going in the communal bathroom to poop. But I just have two simple requests for you.

I know that there is a social stigma around poop. And I can understand your need to exit the stall quickly, before anyone can identify that it was you in there making those noises, and filling the bathroom with that odor. But it would be appreciated if you would remain in the stall and ensure that the toilet flushes completely. No one likes the surprise of lifting the toilet bowl lid and finding someone else’s contents. If an additional flush is necessary, please ensure that you do so. I know that water conservation is a major issue during the summer, but in this case that additional flush is essential.

Also, please use the can of floral scented air freshener in the stall when you are done. No one likes to be greeted with the putrid stench of human excrement when they open the door to the stall. All I am requesting is that YOU spray down the stall after you are done and keep the door slightly ajar so that combination of floral and stink can escape.

So behalf of everyone else that has to use the bathroom, it would be greatly appreciated if you could just remember these two simple requests.

Thanks,
Me

Baybee vs. Roomba!!

In this corner, weighing in at 23 pounds – Baybee.
In the other corner, weighing in at 5 pounds – Roomba

As of late my son has had a strange fixation on our roomba. I am not sure if the roomba is his friend or his arch nemesis. He has been running up to the roomba, pushing the on button and then running away! I think that he may be afraid of it, but I am not sure if he are playing a game or not. I can bring the roomba up close to him and he doesn’t do anything but when it is on and working, he runs away. And it is not like he is running away and looking back to see where it is, he is running at top speed to get away from it.

I just have a feeling that one day I am going to come upstairs and find my son sitting on the roomba trying to get it to carry him around or find that he has pulled it apart.

Ah, things to look forward to…

Beach / Pool List

I tend to make or ‘borrow’ checklists whenever I have to do something or go somewhere. So I thought that I would share my beach/pool checklist with you. OK it is actually the Huggies swimmers checklist that I have modified. I find it helpful and it keeps my beach bag organized.

  • Beach Bag
  • Towels
  • Little Swimmers for the baybee
  • A changing pad
  • Broad-Brimmed Hats
  • Plastic Bags
  • Clean Undergarments
  • Dry Clothes
  • Sun Screen
  • Water and Juice
  • First Aid Kit
  • Sand Toys
  • Baby wipes & hand wipes
  • Playpen/Portable Crib/Tent
  • Shade Umbrellas
  • Blankets/Sheet/Comforter
  • Wagons/Strollers
  • Water Toys
  • Life jackets
  • Ear Plugs
  • Swim Goggles
  • Spray Bottle
  • Kleenex
  • Food
  • Cell Phone
  • Camera
  • Lotion

Beach / Pool List

I tend to make or ‘borrow’ checklists whenever I have to do something or go somewhere. So I thought that I would share my beach/pool checklist with you. OK it is actually the Huggies swimmers checklist that I have modified. I find it helpful and it keeps my beach bag organized.

  • Beach Bag
  • Towels
  • Little Swimmers for the baybee
  • A changing pad
  • Broad-Brimmed Hats
  • Plastic Bags
  • Clean Undergarments
  • Dry Clothes
  • Sun Screen
  • Water and Juice
  • First Aid Kit
  • Sand Toys
  • Baby wipes & hand wipes
  • Playpen/Portable Crib/Tent
  • Shade Umbrellas
  • Blankets/Sheet/Comforter
  • Wagons/Strollers
  • Water Toys
  • Life jackets
  • Ear Plugs
  • Swim Goggles
  • Spray Bottle
  • Kleenex
  • Food
  • Cell Phone
  • Camera
  • Lotion

Things to do when you don’t want to work

I am sitting here, totally bored, and I figured that since I am supposed to be getting somewhat fit, I would do some desk exercises. So I figured I would share what I am doing. Feel free to exercise with me.

The Pump and Run
Pump both arms over your head for 30 seconds like you’re “raising the roof”. Then, quickly tap your feet on the floor, as if running through tires, for 30 seconds. Repeat this process for four two six minutes.

Disco Fever
Stand up and hold onto the desk with one hand. While holding on, twist your waste and other to one direction and straighten out coming back, like you’re doing John Travolta’s dance from Saturday Night Fever. One difference — keep your stare on the hand in motion, not at your date/camera/wall clock. Do this about ten times, and then switch to the other hand. 5 sets should do it.

Hammy Pulling
Sit back in a chair, making sure that your lower back is supported. Put both your hands under your right knee. Slowly, left your left leg up, keeping your keen bent toward the chest. Do this 5 times and then repeat, switching legs.

The Paul Bunyan
Stand up. Bring your hands together near our right shoulder, as if you were about to chop wood. Slowly “swing the axe” by straightening your elbows and moving your hands toward your left thigh. Then come up to your left shoulder, and swing the ax toward your right thigh. That’s one rep. Do it ten times.

We’re Not Worthy!
Sit down, if you’re not already. Stick out your legs so that they’re straight, at a 45 degree angle to the floor. Raise both your arms above your head, hands together, extending out so that you’re as flat as can be. Bending only your back and crunching at your abs, bring your arms as forward as you can and slowly back up to the extended position. 3 sets of 15 should be good.

The George Costanza
Get under your desk — really. Get onto your knees and hold onto the desk with both hands. Place your neck between your arms and while straightening out your back, shoulders, and waist. Then, slowly, squeeze your body downwards. Continue the motion by straightening out your body and bending backwards.

30 Second Rump Squeeze
Tighten your butt. Really. Squeeze your “cheeks” together as tightly as you can, and hold for ten seconds. Release. Repeat 10 times. Do this five times a day. The tighter you squeeze, the better results you’ll get.

Chest Stretch
Interlace your fingers behind your back, palms facing in. Raise and straighten your arms, squeezing your shoulder blades together and “opening up” your chest. Fold for five to ten seconds. Repeat five to ten time

Seated Crunches
Put your feet flat on the floor, and sit up straight. Put your hands and arms, folded,, in your lap. Breathe in deep through your nose, “crunching” your upper and lower abs, pushing your lower back against the chair. Hold for a 3 count and relax, breathing out through your mouth. Do 100 — or until your boss looks at you funny.

*sniff sniff*

Some body’s lunch smells really good!!

It’s making me really hungry!

Dang people that eat at their desks, don’t they know that some of us are sitting here playing on the Internet, oops, I mean working.

When mom’s away, the boys will play

Yesterday my son wasn’t feeling the greatest, so he got to stay home from the daycare with his daddy. They were going to have a daddy/baybee day. Now I am not a neat freak (well not anymore) by any means. I understand that life with a 13 month old is messy. There are cheerios under my couch, my bookcase is no longer in alphabetical order, and my pots & pans will never be stacked neatly again, these are all things that I accept and live with.

So when I left ‘my boys’ at home yesterday morning, the house wasn’t the neatest. I didn’t make the beds, the breakfast dishes weren’t done and there were clothes in the washer that needed to go into the dryer (I think they are still in there, come to think of it). So I wasn’t expecting a pristine house when I got home. But boy was I surprised!

When I walked in the door it looked like a tornado went through the house. There were baking dishes in the living room, the baybee was running around in his P.J.’s with a hairbrush in hand, and my hubby looked frazzled. And don’t even get me started on the condition on the toy area.

Now I am not saying that the little man, was malnourished and exhausted. His dad did a very good job with him. He was fed, had numerous diaper changes, and was overall a very happy (still slightly sicky) little boy. They did a whole bunch of activities throughout the day and even went out to a fish & chips place and picked up dinner. I wasn’t expecting the mess to be as big as it was but I guess that is what happens when mommy is away.

You know you’re a mom when….

WARNING

IF YOU ARE EASILY GROSSED OUT – DON’T READ THIS!!!

Projectile vomit doesn’t bother you so much!

The baybee is teething, so we are experiencing all the fun stuff that goes along with that; the crying, the fever, the irritability (and that’s just the hubby).

Baybee is holding up OK but the height of his unhappiness was marked by one monumental occasion, the first time that he had projectile vomit.

I am no stranger to projectile vomit, I have experienced it before with my niece, but that was five years ago. You tend to forget or maybe consciously erase the level of gross-ness from your brain. So when I got pregnant and everyone started telling me the horror stories about projectile throw up I got scared, terrified even. I gag when I see a cartoon character upchuck, what the heck was I going to do when my flesh and blood empties the contents of his stomach on me, at such a speed that it resembles a speeding locomotive. I would probably pass out from the icky-ness. I was screwed, 100% screwed.

But when it happened twice in the last two days, I managed not to dry heave or gag, but take care of the baybee. Even though at one point, I was wearing the contents of his stomach, I kept a stiff upper lip and a stable stomach and I took care of my screaming child. I am not saying that it was not disgusting. It was incredibly disgusting; this warm mushy stuff running down my leg and the front of my shirt and I did want jump into the shower as soon as I could get there, it’s just I had other things to worry about at the time. Making sure that Mr. Man was OK was my first priority.

I guess that means that I am officially a mommy, but I am not looking forward to the next rite of passage: the first projectile poop!!