10 Facts about Me

  1. Age:  This one is tricky. Is it my actual age? Or how old I feel today? Or how old I look?  If it’s calendar age I am around 36 or so. I don’t feel 36 though. Most mornings I feel 75, midday I feel like I am 23 again and late night I feel around 89.
  2. Hometown:  Toronto
  3. Children:  Yes, the two most amazing little boys in the world; Maks and Mats.
  4. Occupation:  I play around on excel spreadsheets all day long. Occasionally I will throw in Visio and PowerPoint but for the most part, I am about that spreadsheet life.
  5. Goal:  Again, tricky one. Does this mean my fitness goal? Or is it referring to my life goal? Or it is my emotional or spiritual goals?  My fitness goal is to lose some weight. I haven’t decided exactly how much I want to lose yet. I do know that I want to lose enough that I can feel good about myself again. My life goal is to eventually leave the spreadsheet life and start doing something I truly love. My emotional goal is to let go of hurt because it is preventing me from finding happiness.
  6. Weird Fact:  Given how weird I am in general this one is hard to pin down but if I had to pick just one, I would go with my fixation on charcoal mask videos. There is something oddly satisfying about watching the videos where the mask is peeled off and all the scabby bits are revealed on the mask. It sounds really gross when you think about it but there is just something I find almost hypnotic about those videos.
  7. Fave Meal:  I love food so picking just one is hard and I am not going to. My favourite Trinidadian meal is stew chicken and pelau. My favourite salad is the 16 ingredient slaw from Bent. My favourite dessert is sticky toffee pudding. All in all, if it has seafood in it, it is a guaranteed hit with me.
  8. Tattoos:  I have three currently but am planning on getting at least two more. I still have no idea when they will happen, but it will happen eventually.
  9. Pets:  Nope.
  10. Downfall:  Expecting to be treated the way I treat people. I am nice to people in general but people are generally not nice.  I see it but have a hard time walking away even though I should.

Principal’s Award

HE DID IT!!!!!

I just got an email from Maks’ teacher and he will be receiving the Principal’s award for the most improved student on Thursday. He has wanted this award since he actually starting trying last year. He was disappointed last year because even though he worked really hard, he did not win. He worked really hard this year and has really improved in all areas. But after last year, he had pretty much convinced himself that he would not be winning this award this year. And as far as I know, he doesn’t know that he is going to be winning the award this year.

I am over the moon proud of him. I was over the moon proud when I saw how well he was doing in general but I really thought that he would not be getting the award this year. I just figured even with all the improvements, and because he won the gym award last month, some other child would get the principal’s award. I was super happy to see the email from his teacher and I know as soon as he finds out about it, he will be super excited also.

I really am at a loss for words at this one, because I am just that proud.

I think I want to go to summer school

Last night Maks’ school had an information night for parents to ask questions about the summer school that their kids would be attending this year.

Maks and I went for two reasons:

  1. I had questions
  2. I wanted to show Maks that going to summer school would not be totally horrible.

Now, to be completely honest, I expect summer school to be completely school based and not very much fun. When Maks was registered in the class, I was told that he would spend up to 75% of his day doing activities related to reading and writing. Hearing that makes me think that he is not going to be doing anything truly fun.

Again, I was wrong.

Summer school looks like so much fun.

There is an excursion every day to someplace that is really fun. They will be visiting the places during the day but still manage to incorporate reading and writing into the day every hour. Once an hour for fifteen to thirty minutes they will either be reading or writing or a combination of the two. But the way the activities are structured, the kids won’t realize that they have been reading and writing during that time.

Previous camps have allowed children to get caught up on the curriculum that they struggled with during the school year. It encourages learning all through the summer and gives them the tools to continue to learn even when they are not in class.

The summer school also has a session for parents to attend. We will learn the strategies that the kids are learning and be shown ways to encourage them to continue using these strategies over the summer and into the school year.

Both Maks and I are excited about summer school.

I think it I s really going to help him.

And he gets to have fun.

I am taking prenatal vitamins

No, I am not pregnant.

No, I am not trying to get pregnant.

I want my hair to grow.

I read somewhere that taking prenatal vitamins helps with hair growth so I decided to give it a try. My hair loss is becoming noticeable to people now and this has me really worried. I want to have my crazy hair back and I am hoping that this helps.

But after a month of taking them I noticed a side effect that I wasn’t expecting. The vitamins are making my boobs get bigger, which you know, isn’t a bad thing. I don’t have large boobies to start with so I welcome any help I can get in that department.

The only catch is, the girls are growing like they did in my last pregnancy.

One is getting bigger than the other.

Which is weird and a little hard to explain especially given that I am not pregnant.

Now if this was winter time, my lopsided boobs would be easy to hide. I would just throw on a bulky sweater and I would be ready to go but in the summer when sweaters are not an option, I am kind of stuck.

I am considering using chicken cutlets on one side until the girls catch up with one another.

That’s right, I have reverted to my pre – teen days and am considering stuffing my bra.

I swear, as I get older, I revert to my teenage ways more and more.

A Jamie A Day

For Christmas I got a bunch of cookbooks written by British men.  One of my favourites is Jamie’s 15 Minute Meals.

And my new year’s resolution is to make one meal from the book each day of the week.

Unfortunately, I have to start this tomorrow because I don’t have all the ingredients I need for the first meal at home and all the stores are closed.  But starting tomorrow, I shall make a meal a day.

I’ll let you know how it goes.

P.S.  I am not going to make the meals in the order they appear in the book.  I am just going to pick a meal from the book and make it.

Dissolution of 2013

2013 was a difficult year.  It was a year that tested me mentally and emotionally.  I really didn’t know if I would come away from it whole.

I did.

But things have certainly changed.

I swear that 2013 was a year that tested my marriage in so many ways.  It was the one and only year, since getting married, where I thought that Millhouse and I would permanently go our separate ways.  Millhouse and I have never had the type of relationship where we are lovey dovey all the time.  In fact, couples that feel the need to constantly tell me how happy and in love they are always strike me as fake.

Constantly reaffirming just how wonderfully in love you are, makes me think that they are a lot of issues in your relationship and you need to convince yourself and the outside world that everything is fine.  I am not like that.  Millhouse is not like that.  We are comfortable with each other and as long as the other person knows how we feel, we generally don’t go around advertising our married life.

But Millhouse losing his job, three years ago, changed all that.  It changed Millhouse, fundamentally, and that created chaos in our relationship.  Financial stress led Millhouse into the deepest depression that I have ever experienced in the twelve years that we have been a couple.  He would spend days in bed either sleeping or watching CNN and Storage Wars but he was never really watching the shows.  He would just be staring at the TV.  We did not speak at all.  I tried to get him to talk to me but we would end up fighting so I would just walk away.  He retreated into himself so bad that he stopped talking to everyone, including the boys.  He would be dismissive, angry and distraught all at the same time.  He pretty much gave up on everything even finding a job that suited him.  It was hard to watch him.  I tried to engage him but there were times that I gave up too.  I was afraid that things would not get better so I didn’t try at all.

Jobs were so scarce that he couldn’t find anything that he wanted to do and ended up with a lot of low paying, high stress jobs.  And that made things even worse.  He went from being deeply depressed to agitated and exhausted, all the time.  He worked nights, six days a week and hardly ever saw the boys or I.  When he was home, he was so tired that all he wanted to do was sleep.  He did not have the energy to be a functioning part of our lives.  And this was a drain on him and I.

On more than one occasion this year, the question of him leaving came up.  Twice Millhouse asked if this is something that we should still be doing.  And there were times when I wanted to scream that he should leave.  I know that part of him wanted to hear that we didn’t need him.  He felt bad about himself and he was convinced that he wasn’t enough to be with us.  But there was a bigger part of him that wanted to stay and that part fought to stay.

In the last two months though, things have started to get better.  They are more like how they used to be.  We both got to the point where we understood that we were at a crossroads and if we did not make an honest effort to make this work, it would all fall apart.  So we are trying, really damn hard now, we are trying to make it work.

2013 also took my grandmother from me.  It’s been three months since she passed away and I am still not able to talk about it.  I was never her favourite grandchild.  But I loved her so much that it doesn’t feel real not having her here.  She was the only grandparent that I ever knew and even though she was far from the most perfect grandmother out there, she was my mama.  She was the lady that persevered though just about everything.  It hurts to know that she is gone.  It hurts to know that she will not be there to talk to anymore.  I don’t know what going back to Trinidad would be like now and part of me is not ready to go back yet.  I cannot face her home yet.  Not without her there.

I look forward to 2014.

2013 took me to the bottom.  I am ready to start rising again.

An ungrateful birthday post

Yesterday was my birthday.

I turned a number that puts me closer to forty that it does thirty but I am still not pas the half way mark, so all is not lost.

I am not the point why my birthday is less about me and more of an excuse for the kids to have cake and “help” me open the presents that they chose for me.  I don’t mind that.  I like the fact that they get so much enjoyment from my birthday.

But yesterday didn’t feel like my birthday.

It felt like my birthday was used as excuse for other people to get what they wanted.

My parents bought lunch / dinner take out in honour of my birthday.  But they didn’t ask me what I wanted them to order.  Instead, they ordered what they liked.  Maks didn’t get the chicken wings that he likes and I didn’t get the fried wontons that I like.  But my mom did get the stir fried duck that she likes.

I was ready to cut the cake at around 2pm in the afternoon, when the cake came home but we couldn’t because my mom was taking a nap.  And then Millhouse and Beanz went to take a nap.  And then Mat found the cake in the fridge and tried to pull it out and help himself to a piece of cake and cried bloody murder when I told him that we had to wait because everyone else was asleep.  By that point, he had a meltdown and I would have let him have the goddamn cake.

No child made me a card.  This one hurts.  I don’t particularly like cards, but I do like getting drawings and scribbles that show that they took some time to think of me.  Normally, I am the one that reminds them to make the cards and such and I guess because I didn’t remind them then they didn’t think of doing it on their own.

Maks wanted to know why we weren’t having a party.  I asked him if he had planned a party for me and his response was “no”.  So I told him, then we’re not having a party.

I know that I sound like a whiny brat and really I am not.  I am grateful for everything that I have and for surviving everything that is going on so that I am able to see another year.

But yesterday just didn’t feel like my birthday.

It felt like a special Saturday.