Category Archives: me

How I’m Feeling

Given how much my health dictated my life over the last year, I figure I should give you an update on what is going on with me.  There was so much going on that I have to break things out into body parts because there is just that much.

My thyroid.

My thyroid is dead.  It won’t be coming back but I am learning how to deal with having to take synthetic hormones to make my body work.  For almost a year I have been learning to adapt to having to take pills every day.  I don’t like pills so having to take them daily has taken some getting used to.  But I am used to it now and so is my body.  There are some bad days but they don’t come around as often as they used to.  To be completely forthcoming, I still get scared when I get sore throats.  My first reflect is to feel my neck and make sure that my thyroid is not swollen.  I know it is in my head but I still check every single time, just in case.

My stomach.

The treatment worked.  YAY!!  This was probably the scariest part of the past year.  It was the most serious and it was the one thing that the doctors wanted to treat most aggressively.  But the aggressive treatments worked.  It was weeks of feeling absolutely horrible but it was worth it because I am better and it won’t be coming back.  I can’t lose my mind and start eating all crazy though.  I still have to watch what I eat.  I won’t be able to eat beef whatsoever and very limited amounts of spicy or fried foods for the rest of my life but I will take bland food over being ill.

My lady bits.

And lastly, my lady bits.  So after loads and loads of internal ultrasounds it turns out that I have a lopsided warped uterus, six large fibroids, a bunch of little fibroids and hemorrhaging cysts in both ovaries.  The initial plan was a hysterectomy but I wasn’t feeling that option.  So after meeting with another specialist, there is a treatment plan on the horizon.  I am going to get a brand new kind of implant that is supposed to make the fibroids shrink.  So rather than removing everything, this treatment should shrink the large fibroids, make the small fibroids disappear and “expel” the cysts.  In a couple of weeks I have to take an allergy test to make sure I won’t react to the medicine in the implant.  If I don’t react to the medicine then I will have it implanted right into the front part of my uterus.  This will stay implanted until menopause to make sure that the fibroids don’t come back after the implant is removed.  The doctor has warned me that the implant will make me bleed and I will be uncomfortable for a bit as my body gets used to having a foreign object imbedded into it but then things will be better than they have been in a long time.

So that’s it.  You are now all up to date on what’s going on with my health.

Pub Crawl

I was invited to a pub crawl with the other daycare moms.They are all meeting up at one pub and then cabbing it form one bar to another.  Husbands and cars are not allowed.  Dancing shoes are.Part of me wants to go to it.I think that it will be nice to go out and have some fun.  I haven’t had a girls night like this since Cecilia moved away and that was months ago.But there are two* things that have me a little bit apprehensive about saying yes.

  1. I’ve never really been on a pub crawl.  I was invited to plenty in University but for whatever reason, I never ended up actually going to a pub crawl.  I went to lots of clubs, parties, peoples houses to drink but never, ever a pub crawl.  So I am not sure what they are all about.
  2. These are other moms from the DAYCARE.  I do try really hard to break out of my anti – social shell and be outgoing with them and I guess it is working because they invited me along on their girls night out but still, these are DAYCARE moms.  I haven’t known them, socially, for very long and I have finally found my niche when it comes to play dates.  This whole going out without the kids thing will be brand new.  I know that they are all really friendly and nice but I don’t know how they will be with no kids around.  Do they turn into wild and zany chicks, which I would totally be all for because I like stuff like that, or will they be really proper.  I am not a proper type person.  I am more of a wild and zany but if they are all proper, I will be stuck there with them being all proper for most of the night.  And that would be a waste of a Saturday night.

The anti – social part of me wants to say no.  It has so many reasons why I should just decline and stay home.

  1. I have nothing to wear.
  2. It’ll be too expensive**.
  3. I won’t be able to relax and have fun.
  4. There’s no food involved just a moderate amount of alcohol.  And I love food.
  5. I won’t have fun.

I am not sure what I am going to say yet.  I have until Friday night to make up my mind and I think I am going to wait until the very last minute to make up my mind.

*one more thing – the evite came in last night but judging from the comments on the invite, it was sent out at least two weeks ago.  I was a last minute invite.  So either they weren’t sure if I would be fun or they needed someone to confirm they would or would not be attending before they invited me.  I am not sure if this a negative or positive thing.

**how does a pub crawl work?  Does everyone buy a round of drinks for the group or do you just buy your own drinks?  From what I have experienced, when people buy rounds of drinks you get drink faster because there are a lot more drinks being passed around.  If you buy your own drinks you can control what you drink and how much.  That’s right, right?  Also, since it’s a pub crawl that doesn’t mean that it is a beer crawl, correct?  If I do go, I don’t have to drink beer, correct.

My week in review

  • My phone seems to be OK.  It is all dried out now.  Millhouse plugged it in and it charged up fine.  Some of the keys are not working properly, so because of that I am still using Millhouse’s old Blackberry.  Beanz gave me her old iPhone in the hopes of converting me from Team BlackBerry to Team iPhone.  So far the only thing that I have used the iPhone for was for music.  I haven’t actually tried it out as a phone yet.  I don’t know if I like it enough to want to try it out as a phone.
  • My birthday passed wonderfully.  Beanz was in charge of the cake and she went over to pick them up after work, when she was starving, so I ended up with three cakes.  There was a chocolate fudge, tiramisu and cheesecake.  All three were yummy and it is always nice to have options.  I got some awesome presents.  My parents gave me the entire Harry Potter book collection, Millhouse gave me a Kindle to replace the Kindle that I lost, Beanz gave me tickets to Watch the Throne and my lovelies from the Falls send me a beautiful flower arrangement.  It was an awesome day.
  • I’m still not feeling the greatest and neither is Maks.  We both have border line fevers and chest congestion that makes it feel like there is a moose sitting on our chest  Neither of us are  happy doing anything.  If staying in bed, doing nothing is an option, that’s what we choose.
  • I’m still being whorish when it comes to giveaways.  I have entered over 20 and have yet to win one!  I am extremely disappointed with that.  The whole not winning thing bothers me more than not getting free stuff.  It feels like I am incredibly unlucky and can’t win even “easy” giveaways.  But I refuse to give up.  I have to win at least one, if I keep trying, right?  So I am going to keep trying.

I was born today

It’s my birthday.

I’m 32 years old, today.

Most days, I don’t feel my age.  I feel like I am still in my early twenties.  It doesn’t register that I am more than half way to 60. 

My life is not what I pictured it to be at 32 but I love all those that are in it.

My boys are the reason that I want to keep getting up every morning. 

The Ninja princess is the reason that I work hard every day.

Millhouse is the reason that I don’t go crazy.

And Beanz is the reason that I laugh.

My parents, they’re the ones that drive me.

And Tru and Nai, they’re the ones that, encourage me.

So I can honestly say, at 32, I’m good.

Happy Birthday to me.

One of me, two of them

Baby doesn’t like to share me with Maks.

Whenever Maks comes over and sits on my lap or gives me a hug Baby gets upset and starts yelling at us.  If Maks doesn’t move, Baby will crawl over and try to get his brother off of me.  He even tries to wedge himself between Maks and I.  He will keep pushing and yelling until Maks gets mad and gets off me or until he finally succeeds in pushing his brother off.  Baby doesn’t react like this if I am with anyone else, it is just when I show any sort of reaction to his brother.

Maks is not very pleased about that.

He doesn’t get the same amount of hugs as his brother because his brother gets upset whenever I try to hug him.  I am trying to find a way to get in equal amounts of time with both of my boys but Baby’s clinginess makes that hard and Maks is starting to notice.

I am the primary caregiver to both boys simply because they are both mama’s boys.  Maks spends more time with Millhouse than he used to but their personalities are so much alike that they clash with one another.  Mat doesn’t interact much with Millhouse because Millhouse isn’t me and he doesn’t like anyone that isn’t me. 

I try to spend some quality time with Maks after I put Mat to bed.  But because the bedtimes are so close together, Maks and I don’t get to spend too much time together before he has to go to bed.  I want to spend more time with my oldest son.  I feel like I have doing him such a great disservice by not spending the same amount of time with him that I spend with his brother.  I don’t want him to feel like he is being neglected.

I am thinking that I am going to start scheduling in Maks only adventures.  Things that Maks and I can do together, so that we can bond without Baby getting upset.  As Baby gets older, I may have Maks only and Baby only adventures, if the clinginess is still there.  Or I might try to put the adventures together and see if that works out.

Fuzzy Green Monster

My boss gave me a Halloween costume for Maks to use next Halloween.  She got it at Pottery Barn kids on sale and couldn’t return it.  Her step son was too big for it this year and she didn’t have anyone else to give it to so she asked if I wanted it. 

I googled it and loved how it looked and decided to take it home for Maks to wear next year.  It’s not a scary costume.  It is a very cute, little kid costume.  It is this fuzzy green monster.  The mask / head is a fuzzy toque with googly black and white eyes, little white horns and a single white tooth in the front.  The body part of the costume is a one piece with no arms or legs.  The belly is green fur and the rest of the body is green fleece.  The inside in lined and it is very thick and warm.  And the best part – it is the kind of costume that would fit over a snowsuit, perfectly!  The hardest part of Halloween costume shopping for me is to find a costume that would fit over a snowsuit.  This costume fits perfectly.  I am so happy about that.

When I got home from work, I showed it to Maks and he LOVED it.  He put it on right away and didn’t want to take it off.  After his bath he put it back on and even tried to convince me to let him sleep in it.  I finally convinced him that he couldn’t sleep in it but he did put it back on when he came home from school the next day.

He loves that costume more than any other costume that he has ever had.  He asks me all the time, when is Halloween going to come and if he can wear his monster costume.  That, to me, is a sign of a good costume.

It throws off Millhouse’s plan of having a family Halloween theme* next year but I am willing to sacrifice uniformity for cuteness.

*Millhouse’s family Halloween theme is fast food.  He wants to be a big mac, I am going to be a large fries and the kids were going to be chicken nuggets.  We may still make Mat into a chicken nugget but Maks is going to be a fuzzy green monster.

I don’t fit in anywhere

When I put my blog online, my intention was never to get readers.  I just wanted to document my life as a new mom.  Up until that point, I was doing random journal entries and wasn’t being too constant, putting my blog online made me write constantly.

Which is a good thing.

I discovered that writing could be therapeutic.  But I also found that the blogging world was a lot like high school with impenetrable cliques and mean girls.  I found that the genre of “mommy blogger” was divided into two main groups.

The overachievers – these are the older moms.  They had their kids later in life.  They established their careers.  They were or are doctors, lawyers, teachers, or other professions.  They went to school for a long time and they are financial stable.  They attend conferences, and have business cards to their blogs.  They get sponsored trips from multinational corporations in exchange for blog posts.  They have links to the newspaper articles, magazine blurbs, and books they’ve written.  They have large followers and generate revenue based on their writing.  They use their blog to direct readers to the other blogs or magazines, or newspapers that they write for.  They are socially conscious, and blog about the poor, misfortunate, disabled, and marginalized groups of society.  They encourage change.  They promote social awareness.  Politicians and the big companies are scared of them because they have power to get people to listen.  Their blog posts are long, and articulate, well researched and socially, economically and mommy responsible. 

I would love to be one of these bloggers.  I’m not there yet though. 

The other group is the popular kids – these are the younger moms.  They had their kids in their late teens, early twenties.  They may not have gone to college or university and if they did, they are still in the process of finishing.  They have tattoos, piercings, and funky hair.  They prefer that their kids wear cloth diapers, eat organically, and self wean.  They generate money through paid posts and reviews.  Their posts are mostly limited to the day to day lives of their kids and themselves.  They rarely attend conferences or events but they are closely knit even though they may have never met face to face. 

I seem to relate to this group more but since they have all grown together, it is very hard to be accepted by them.  To an extent I think I am too old to really interact with them. 

So I am lost.  I am standing on the periphery, looking in at two very distinct groups and fitting in with neither.  I read blogs from each group and while I can relate to individual situations, I can’t seem to completely fit in anywhere and that has me feeling lonely.  I’m a loner that doesn’t belong anywhere.  I tried to step out of my shell and I got my hand slapped so it feels like being anti-social and disappearing into myself just seems like the right thing to do.

When I went online, I was hoping to become part of a community that I used to read from afar but as I tried to join either group, it became obvious that I wasn’t welcome in either place.

I am seriously considering disappearing for awhile, taking my blog offline and writing it as it was intended, as a journal for my kids.

That might take away the therapeutic aspect but it would help with the loner aspect to blogging.

Not following your dreams sucks

My University degree was supposed to be in biochemistry.

My University degree is in Anthropology.

Those are two very different things.

In the middle of the first semester in my first year, I changed majors.  The Sciences were too hard.  They required too much work so I moved into the Arts and I did something that gave me more time to work and hang out with my friends. 

When you’re in first year university you think that friends are very important and completely changing your occupational goals to allow for more social time is completely accepted and to an extent expected.

In the grand scheme of life, I was a jackass of epic proportions.

I’m not friends with those people anymore and I really wish that I had continued doing what I wanted to do in the first place.

Now before y’all think I am going to blame my long ago friendships for this, you’re wrong.  I was the idiot and choosing friends over career was totally my own humungous, erroneous error.

I f*cked up.

I regret now so very much.

If I could go back in time and change anything in my life, it would be that.  I would force myself to study.  I would distance myself from people.  I would graduate from university as a biochemist instead of an Anthropologist. 

If I could pass on one lesson to my boys it would be never , ever, ever, ever put other people before your dreams.

They’re not worth it.

You deserve to be happy and following your dream, no matter how hard or long the journey will bring you that happiness.

Holy Hell! It’s October!!

September sure got the hell out of hell quick!

October has come in cold.  I am freezing!  We are going down to 4 degrees tonight and things are just going to get colder from here on in.

I am not looking forward to it.

I’m allergic to winter.

But I am looking forward to mini chocolate bars at the end of the month though.

And dressing up.

What should I be?  Any ideas or suggestions?

Personally, I am leaning towards Scooby Do.  I can layer up under the costume and no one would be the wiser.

Cause I really hate the cold.

My husband hates my pants

More specifically my jeans.

Right now I wear a size 12.  Not because that’s the size I wear but that’s the size I feel most comfortable in.

I technically wear a 9/10 or somewhere around there.  I wear the 12 because they are loose at the waist, baggy in the bum and hips, and long enough that my ankles are covered when I sit down.

Millhouse hates them.

They are forever falling down because I don’t wear a belt.  When I sit the crotch bunches up and it looks like I have male reproductive parts.  The pant legs drag when I walk and on rainy days they get soaked.

Millhouse hates them.

He’s so happy when I wear better fitting jeans.

The reason I wear these jeans is because it is so hard for me to find jeans that actually fit me the way that I like.  I have a larger than average butt and hips, an OK waist and longest, skinny legs.  I need jeans that are a size 9 in the waist, size 11 in the hips and long in the legs. 

Now I can hear Tru right now, JUST GET THEM TAILORED!!  And I know that seems likes an obvious answer but I hate spending extra money.  I spent $12 for my jeans.  To go spend $20 to get the altered just seems like an excessive amount of money to me. 

But given how much un – compliments I get about my jeans, I think I may have to start tailoring my jeans.