Category Archives: Beanz

An Open Letter To My Sister

To the person I used to know,

What happened to you?  Where did the person who I trusted more than anyone else go?  Where is the person who I would turn to first, in good times and in bad times, disappear to?  You have made it obvious that person doesn’t exist anymore. You’ve made it obvious the person I thought you were never existed at all.  You used me. You always looked down on me but was content as long as I could give you everything I had. And now that I am standing up for myself, you decided to offload your anger on me.  To break me down for some sort of perverse pleasure. I don’t know why you would want me to crumble. Why you would want me to fall apart but you are taking great pleasure in ensuring whatever happiness I have ever had dissipates.

I believe you know why our relationship fell apart.  I know you knew how your behaviour was changing. It was a conscious effort of your part to distance yourself from your former life.  I know you knew just how hurtful you were being to the boys and I. A part of me would like to believe you were actually contrite about it.  Some part of you recognized your wrong doing but your stubborn personality didn’t let you admit it. Instead, you started to play the victim, putting the blame on me.  Saying it was my fault because I should have told you. But the fact is YOU KNEW. You just couldn’t take accountability. Nothing was ever your fault, you never say sorry and you refused to do it when you should have.  Instead, things just snowballed. You treated us worse and worse but justified in your head how we were deserving of being treated this way. You built a wall out of guilt and anger and used it as fuel.

You carry a lot of hate towards me in your heart.  When you said all those things, it was as though the sack of hate you carried around got too heavy and you decided to dump it all on me.  It was obvious you carried this hate for a long time. I don’t know when it started and I am sure it still grows. You will let it fester for as long as you can because hating me seems to be what drives you.  I am your proverbial punching bag. You have decided the cause of all your problems stem back to me, as far fetched as that is. You truly believe in your heart, your hate is justified and because of this you will always throw that hate back to me.  You are filled with malicious intent. It shows just how unhappy you truly are. I feel sorry for you. No one should have to carry so much unhappiness with them. And to have so much weighing on you that you feel the need to explode, and to explode the way you do, isn’t healthy.  You pretend as though none of this is your making, as if you have had no hand in the dissolution of something that was once unbreakable. And I am here to firmly place the responsibility on your shoulders. Perhaps that’s why you hate me so much because I don’t see you as a victim and I never will.  I see you for who you truly are, the creator of this. You caused this. Just as much as you choose to say you didn’t, this is your making. Your deep rooted disrespect and distaste for me caused this and if that is not the case then why does a soccer mom sticker bother you so much.

To stoop so low as to bring up things from my past; that my husband and I have moved on from, which are quite frankly none of your business, shows just how untrustworthy you are.  To bring up my children, and pointblank tell me they don’t love me and are afraid of me is cold hearted and cruel. To bring up my social anxieties and fear of rejection from other people shows just how hurtful you want to be.  Taking issue with something as minute as my ‘soccer mom’ sticker shows just how much you despise me. You want to hurt me. You will throw everything you know about me at me just to hurt me. To purposely want to hurt me this much, speaks volumes about you.  

You and your incessant need to assert your dominance will be the reason the already strained relationship I have with our parents ceases to exist.  You have no problems disrespecting my home and family. You walk into my house and pass my husband, children and myself without a word as if that proves some sort of point.  Your behaviour is permeated with superiority, the idea that you are better than me and can mistreat me and my family whenever you chose. You are owed something. You have every right to something.  When in reality, none of that is true and you know it. You have stood on my lawn and cussed me. You know you are not welcome here but you will insist on coming when our parents return, just to prove that you can.  You will force their hand to choose, full well knowing they will choose you. Not because you are right but because they don’t want to have your anger projected on them. I have distanced myself from our parents to make things easier and alleviate tensions. My family and I leave my home every time we know you are coming by so we avoid conflict.  But you are so entitled, even though you know this you will insist on coming by and causing further tensions between us. You will make sure I am completely out of their life. And then when I leave, because you have given me no other choice, you will make me the cause of the separation. The blame will be placed squarely on my shoulders rather than on you. You will play the victim, a role you know well, and project your anger onto me further.

I wish I understood your actions.  I wish I understood your intentions.  I don’t understand why you want me to be as unhappy as you are.  I just don’t get it. What pleasure does it bring you to see all of my relationships fall apart?  Why do you want me to question everything I have ever known? Looking down on me is one thing but trying to break me is another.

I wish I had seen this coming.  I don’t hate you. I wish I could.  I wish I could be as angry with you as you are with me.  But I’m not. I am hurt, and disappointed. I expected so much more from you.  I held you in such high regard. I would brag about the achievements of my little sister to everyone.  I was proud of you. I defended you, time and time again, when people would tell me you were selfish, mean spirited and cold.  I chose you over my friends. That’s why I have no friends. They would tell me about your shortcomings and I wouldn’t hear it. I walked away from them because you needed me more.  I believed you had good in you and you proved me wrong. For years, you used my family and I. You were so ready to take and I let you take advantage of our good intentions and that is on me.  I should have walked away from you a long time ago. I should have realized who you were a long time ago. I don’t wish you bad. I wish you well. I wish you happiness. I still only want good things for you and your family.  But as of June 10th, my family and I will not be present in your life anymore. You have made it clear, we are not welcome and never were. I will never forget the things you said. In fact, in the few moments when I miss you, I recall the venom you spewed.  I remember the hate in your voice. I remember the condescending things you said. And I move on. The things you said will never be forgiven and in time I hope to forget you.

May you find whatever it is you are looking for.  I hope you impress all those you are trying so desperately to impress.  

I hope you are happy with the woman you become.

Sincerely,

Me

June 10th

On June 10th, whatever relationship my sister and I had ended.

June 10th is the day my sister told me she hated me.

Correction, on June 10th, my sister said she fucking hated me.

I called her and I told her to leave my kids alone.  She had come by and was saying mean things about me to Maks.  She liked to tell Maks how is mom is a Nazi and that I won’t trust his aunt with them.  And you know what, that was it.

I was done.  So I called her and told her to leave my kids alone.

And then she went off on me.

She told me:

  • She fucking hated me.
  • My parents hated me.  I am the reason my parents leave and go back to Trinidad.
  • Everyone hates me.  I don’t have any friends because everyone hates me.
  • All the friends I have are because of Millhouse.  The friends I have like Millhouse and only like me because of him.
  • The only people that like me are my cousins who are far away and they only like me because they don’t have to deal with me on a regular basis.
  • My boys are fucking afraid of me.  My children don’t respect me.
  • MIllhouse fucking cheated on me because he hated me.  I am the reason he used to cheat on me.
  • She scoffed at the “soccer mom” sticker I have on my car.  She said I am not a fucking soccer mom.  That I fucking force my boys to play soccer so they can be like their friends.
  • My job is useless and all I do is push fucking pallets all day.  I don’t contribute anything to society.

Then she hung up and called my dad.

She told him to get ready because she was coming to save him from me.

She showed up on my lawn an hour later and told me on my lawn:

  • If anything happens to my parents, it is my fault.
  • I have no respect for my parents.
  • When I told her about her daugther being disrespectful to me; her response was “I don’t believe it”.
  • She told Maks that if he wanted to spend the night at her house, he should have asked even though he did and she conveniently forgot.
  • She told me she hated my blog and if I had a problem with her to tell her to her face.

She was successful in ensuring that I will never speak to her again.

Intent versus Actual

I haven’t spoken to my sister for almost a year.  The year before that, our relationship was extremely strained.  She had decided that my family and I just weren’t the people she and her daughter needed to be around.  I used to be really close to her but things have changed.  At first, I intended to use this blog as a forum to list all the ways my sister has hurt my boys and I over the last two years.  For a while it seemed like a really good idea.  I figured if I retold all the things she has done, and said, I would feel better.

Then I started writing all things out.  I wrote down the dates and incidents and I had to stop.  I couldn’t do it.  It hurt.  It hurt a lot.  It hurt as much as it hurt when it first happened.  And then I realized reliving all the wrongs my sister has done and said (to me, about me, to my boys and about my boys) won’t help me.

I need to move past the person I thought she was.  I need to step away from all the hurtful things she has said and done.  I have dedicated too much time and effort focusing on her.  It’s obvious that my family and I are not of her concern and I need to focus on the people that actually matter.  I won’t relive the bad, I am going to focus on the people that actually care about my family.  I am going to start healing myself.

I don’t have any ill will towards my sister.  There are times when I think I am being too forgiving when it comes to her and I should be angrier than I am but I am not.  I am disappointed.  I am hurt.  I am flabbergasted by her behaviour.  But all in all, I wish her well.  In fact, I hope she achieves whatever it is she is striving for.  I hope she impresses all the people she is so desperate to impress.  I hope she succeeds where she is fighting to succeed.

I just won’t be part of it.  Neither will my children and husband.

That was her choice.

Horror Movies

grudge

When I younger, Beanz would make me sit through all sorts of horror movies. She loves horror movies and I was the putz that would sit through them with her even though they terrified the hell out of me.

So Because of that, just about anything scares the hell out of me. I don’t watch any shows that are remotely scary anymore because I have hit my scary quota.

But the horror movies have made a lasting impression in my life. Even as a grown up I cannot seem to escape them.

There was a phase that Beanz went through where she watched all sorts of Japanese horror movies that featured these demonized children. They were terrifying. I don’t know what it was but those movies scarred me.

And then I had children.

Children that like to walk into my room in the middle of the night when I am sleeping and stand there, staring at me until I wake up.

And then I wake up with this darkness covered child staring at me.

And I scream.

Or my children decide to sneak into my room by crawling in on their bellies.

And I look down, in the dark, to see these child sized bodies awkwardly manoeuvring across the floor coming towards me.

And I scream.

Or children that like to stand in dark rooms or doorways waiting for me to come out of a room carrying laundry and then they scream as I get closer to them.

And I scream.

All of these are scenes from those ridiculously terrifying movies that my children can re-enact without ever seeing the actual movie. They think that it is hilarious how easy it is to scare me but whenever I see those dark shapes, I freak out because I get flashbacks of those stupid movies.

Blasted movies!

Happy Fall to Earth Day!

Today is Beanz birthday.

This is the only picture of her, that I could get away with putting on this blog.  She’s the baby that my maternal grandfather is holding.

She looks pretty much the same now, just taller.

Happy Birthday Backside!  Keep doing what you do, because only you can do you as well as you do.

Watch The Throne

Beanz gave me two tickets to go see Jay Z and Kanye West in concert for my birthday.  We went to their show last night.  It was freaking AWESOME!!  I loved, loved, loved, loved, loved it!  It was just Jay Z and Kanye performing.  They had really good visual effects but their performances are what did it for me.  They performed together and as individuals.  They did some of their new songs and a lot of their older songs.  It was a good mix of songs that got a lot of radio play and songs that weren’t so well known.

Jay Z was FIRE!!  Literally, every time he came on stage, there was fire.  He was amazing.  I am a huge Jay Z fan and have been from a long time and because of that I was really nervous, especially since this was the first time that I ever got to see him live.  I was afraid that his performance would not live up to the hype. 

And it didn’t.

It surpassed it. 

He was just, wow.

Kanye is still a prick but he’s entertaining.  He had lasers when he would perform and he did more of his soulful songs.  Beanz is the big Kanye fan and she thought that his set was just amazing.

But there were some things about the experience, not the show that I really didn’t enjoy.

  1. Don’t drink it if you can’t handle it:  this bothers me in any situation.  If you can’t handle your liquor, don’t consume it.  Falling over yourself and into other people, smacking other people in the head and spilling your drink on other people isn’t cute.  It doesn’t make the experience better.  It makes you into a jackass.
  2. If you’re an angry drunk, don’t drink:  I have no patience for angry drunks.  If you want to start fights when you start drinking, then you shouldn’t drink.  I paid my money to watch a concert not to see bitch slaps being traded or threats of violence being slurred at one another.
  3. Personal space is a good thing:  if you touch my ass, more than two times in 10 minutes, you are too close.  So back the hell up.  I understand wanting to dance but I don’t want / need you all up on me.
  4. If you want to get some, get a room:  I never understand couples that come to public events to dry hump one another.  If you want to give head or simulate sex positions, get a room and do the real thing.  When I reach over to get my drink, I don’t want to see the girl beside me kneeling in front of the dude she’s with.
  5. Drunk people who are invading my personal space in an attempt to have sex and end up getting into a fight:  yeah.  Really.  Boyfriend got so carried away with his banging from behind that his girlfriend ended up flying forward and falling over the seats in front of her and landing on her head.  Yeah.  When she got back up, she was so angry at her boyfriend that she started swinging her arms around and smacking him.  One of her smacks landed on the girl beside her, who turned around and pushed her.  They got into a verbal fight before the drunk girl, who flew over the seats, turned back to her boyfriend and continued her tirade.  No worries though, three songs later, I looked over and he had his hands in her pants.  I guess they made up. 

Good times.

Busy Weekend

We had so much going on this weekend, it was crazy busy.  Looking at it on paper, it doesn’t look like much but actually doing it is hard.

This is what we did:

Saturday:

  • Got up and out of the house by 9am so we could run some errands and get the grocery shopping out of the way.  We were back home by 11am but by the time we had put away all the groceries and tidied up it was noon.
  • At 1230 Beanz and I went to bootcamp for two hours.  We got our butts kicked.  It still hurts me to sit and stand up today.  My muscles are aching in my upper thighs and butt but I am still going to push myself to work out.  I need to get fit.  Millhouse stayed home with the kids and ordered pizza for lunch.
  • At 4pm we organized the kids, got them all dressed in their snowsuits and light up Santa hats and headed over to the local Santa Claus parade.  Baby was in his snowsuit and smushed into his carrier.  I kept him strapped to my stomach the whole time because I was afraid of having “walk” in the big crowds.  It rained a little bit when we first got there but things cleared up, just as the parade started and the kids got to see Santa about two hours after we got there.  The kids were happy they got to see Santa but by the time he had passed by, they just wanted to go home.  Having a parade at night is pretty with all the lights but it can also be really draining on the kids and parents alike.
  • When we got home, it was a quick dinner of leftover pizza, baths and bed.  I went to sleep when the kids did because I was exhausted and my muscles were killing me.

Sunday:

  • Woke up in crazy pain, my leg muscles felt like they were on fire, and with a head cold.  I think going to the outdoor Santa Claus parade with damp hair wasn’t the best idea.
  • At 11am, Beanz and I packed up the big kids and we headed over to the movie theater to see Happy Feet 2.  It was a super cute movie.  The kids enjoyed it, and I liked the second one better than the first.  I think there were more songs in this one and I liked that part of it.
  • After the movie, the kids had reading time and I made a lasagna and bread salad for dinner.  By the time I got the food together, I felt completely like crap.  So I gave the boys dinner and their baths, then I had some ginger tea and was in bed by 7pm.  Millhouse was in charge of bedtime.

I still feel crappy today but I am hoping to shake this cold by the weekend.  I am going to steal some of Millhouse’s Cold FX and see if that helps me.  Also, my legs, are very sore and achy!  I think that I may have pulled something on Saturday.  I am literally walking funny because my legs hurt so bad.  Maybe going as hard as I did at bootcamp was not the best idea.

My funny bone is broken

This is the follow up to the post about my cousin’s birthday.

Beanz and I went to my cousin’s birthday party on Saturday.  Even though we seriously considered it, we didn’t go to dinner instead.

I wish we did though.

I did not enjoy the comedy club, mainly because I didn’t find the comics funny.  Towards the end of the hour, I was ready to leave.

And to be completely honest, it had nothing to do with the company.  It’s true that I can’t stand a good bit of the people that were there, it wasn’t them that made the experience unpleasant.

I have a very specific sense of humour.  I find certain things funny and nothing else.  These comic were not in that specific group of funny.

There were three comics that performed for a total of 60 minutes.  The first two guys were on for 12 minutes and the last guy was on for about 30 minutes.  The last guy was the headliner and given the most time because he was supposed to be really funny. 

I didn’t think he was.

Here’s the breakdown.

The first comic was kinda scary.  He had a lot of self pity and “look at how sad I am” kind of jokes.  As his set went on, he got scarier and scarier, and not in a Freddy Kruger kind of way more like in a serial killer kind of way.   I am convinced that there is an episode of Criminal Minds based on him.

The second guy was the funniest of the bunch, in my opinion.  His jokes were based more on observations about sex.  He talked about phallic symbols, vibrators, and power tools.  He reminded of a lot guys that I knew in high school.

The last guy, the head liner, was OK.  He wasn’t scary but he wasn’t terribly funny either.  It was during his set that I started wanting to leave.  By the halfway point of his act, I was yawning a lot and ready to go.

The comedy club was an experience.  I went, I saw, I am never going back.

Next time I’m going to go to dim sum.

If there’s no food, why call it a party?

Beanz and I are going on a cousin from my mom’s side’s birthday tomorrow night.  Normally, we tend to avoid my mom’s family because they are status hungry, money mongering, gossip fiends and spending too much time with them makes my head explode.  So we avoid them.

This cousin is an exception.  Out of the 16 cousins that I have on my mom’s side, this is one of the three (!!!) that I can actually socialize with.  She seems genuinely nice and she always make an effort to come to our things so we make an effort to go to her things.

But with all that being said, Beanz and I don’t want to go.

She is having her “cousins” birthday party at t a local comedy club.  There are going to have drinks and we are going to see some very famous, local comic.  She’s invited just about every other cousin on my mom’s side of the family and a bunch of her friends and their significant others.

Do you see why Beanz and I don’t want to go?

Because there’s no food!!

We’re good in just about any situation with my mom’s family, as long as there is food.  Most obviously, because we can’t talk to them if our mouth is full.  Having booze readily available, is also a bad thing.  We tend to be more vocal about our distaste for them after a few drinks.

But the less than obvious reason we’re not happy about the lack of food thing is because we like to eat.  We actually like food and with the kids that we have, going out to eat at non kid friendly restaurant is a rare event for us.  When we get the chance, we jump on it.  And we’re getting the chance this time but we can’t jump on it because the non – parents that we are going with don’t realize that when they’re parents they won’t ever get this chance again.  Right now they’re more concerned with the alcohol than the food.

Blasted non – parents stealing our opportunity.

So we are seriously considering blowing off the party and going to a really nice restaurant to have a really good, chicken finger – less meal.

Another year older

Today Beanz gets another year closer to 30.  And she really does not want me to write this post. 

She has this deep seated hatred towards her birthday that started years ago.  Something awful happened and unfortunately for Beanz her birthday marks the anniversary of an event that someone very young should never have to experience.  She doesn’t like celebrating it and she doesn’t even like acknowledging that it exists.  She knows that she is getting older and that is good enough for her. 

But Beanz has a Stinky who is a birthday lover.  She wants to have parties, no matter the occasion a party is needed especially on her mommy’s birthday.  So much to Beanz’s chagrin we will have cake, ice cream, balloons and singing.  There will be presents, hugs, kisses, and laughter.  

So even though something truly tragic happened on this day many years ago but something truly wonderful happened today as well many more years ago. 

Happy Birthday Beanz with many more to come. 

Because no matter how much you annoy me, and trust me you annoy me to no end, I am glad that we didn’t throw that coconut away.