Intent versus Actual

I haven’t spoken to my sister for almost a year.  The year before that, our relationship was extremely strained.  She had decided that my family and I just weren’t the people she and her daughter needed to be around.  I used to be really close to her but things have changed.  At first, I intended to use this blog as a forum to list all the ways my sister has hurt my boys and I over the last two years.  For a while it seemed like a really good idea.  I figured if I retold all the things she has done, and said, I would feel better.

Then I started writing all things out.  I wrote down the dates and incidents and I had to stop.  I couldn’t do it.  It hurt.  It hurt a lot.  It hurt as much as it hurt when it first happened.  And then I realized reliving all the wrongs my sister has done and said (to me, about me, to my boys and about my boys) won’t help me.

I need to move past the person I thought she was.  I need to step away from all the hurtful things she has said and done.  I have dedicated too much time and effort focusing on her.  It’s obvious that my family and I are not of her concern and I need to focus on the people that actually matter.  I won’t relive the bad, I am going to focus on the people that actually care about my family.  I am going to start healing myself.

I don’t have any ill will towards my sister.  There are times when I think I am being too forgiving when it comes to her and I should be angrier than I am but I am not.  I am disappointed.  I am hurt.  I am flabbergasted by her behaviour.  But all in all, I wish her well.  In fact, I hope she achieves whatever it is she is striving for.  I hope she impresses all the people she is so desperate to impress.  I hope she succeeds where she is fighting to succeed.

I just won’t be part of it.  Neither will my children and husband.

That was her choice.

I made a mistake

I wrote this post over a year ago but it feels like it could have been written yesterday.  I have struggled with publishing it ever since I wrote it.  This is perhaps one of the biggest things impacting my life right now.  And it has been weighing on me heavily.  It weighs on me on a daily basis.  I don’t really talk about what is going on.  I try but I just can’t articulate everything I feel.  It’s something I just deal with.  Only, now, it is getting too hard to deal with it.  I need to put this out there.  I need to start to heal.  I see now that things will never be the way they were.  I am starting to understand that the way things were was never the way I saw it.  And in order to accept the way things are meant to be, I have to start letting go.

And it all starts with this post.

*****

Once upon a time, I made a mistake.  I assumed my children could be loved by someone else just as they are loved by me.  I made this assumption because I was able to love a child that was not my own as if they were mine.  I went out of my way to be inclusive and fair and assumed that would be extended to my boys as well.  I made this assumption because I believed my children were important to people other than myself.  I made this assumption because I believed that others saw how special, dynamic and fun my boys are and they appreciated this just as I did.

I shouldn’t have made this assumption.  

It has become obvious that loving my children is not something they wanted to do.  In fact, my children are not even on their radar most of the time.  My children are now being ignored and pushed aside in favour of others.  There is time for text messages, phone calls, outings and visits but just not with my children; with everyone else but just not my boys.  Outings are discussed in front of my boys and then they are excluded from attending.  Invitations are not even extended.  They just hear about an event and know they are not welcome to join.  It’s as though they don’t even exist.  They are an afterthought or a pity phone call when the reminders of their existence become too much or there is fear of repercussion for ignoring them for too long.

And now my kids are hurting because they assumed the same things I did and can’t understand why things are not the way they were.  They remember when they were included and don’t understand why they are being excluded now.  They are too young to fully grasp just what is going on, but they do feel the hurt.

I should have realized sooner the type of person I was putting a lot of faith into and I should have realized sooner just how incorrect my assumptions were.  I should have realized that they were all about spending time with my boys because it was convenient for them.  I covered everything.  I was responsible for everything.  Now that they don’t need me, they don’t need my boys and they have no issues forgetting my boys exist.  

I have been dealing with a lot of pain lately, both theirs and mine.  I have been trying to show my boys just how special they are, just how loved they are.  I spend a lot of time distracting them.  Having them focus their attention on other things so they don’t have the time to feel the hurt.  And for the most part, it is working.  The hurt isn’t there as often but there are times when it does show up.  Then I have to spend nights explaining just why they weren’t invited to do the fun things or why visits are nonexistent.  I hate those conversations because I know we wouldn’t be having them if I hadn’t made the assumptions I made.  I was the one that put my faith into the wrong person and now my boys are suffering for it.

I will never do that again.

New Year, New Blog

Yes, I know the new year started 25 days ago but I figure it’s better late than never.

This blog has always been a reflection of what’s been going on in my life. The blog has never really had a focus.  It was just a hodge podge collection on everything in my life and I have always tried to be as forthcoming with what I have been going through.  Sometimes that can be hard because a lot of the things in my life involve other people and I want to keep them as anonymous as possible.

But things have been going on that have been really hard to process.  I have been internalizing a lot of things and I just can’t do it anymore.  I need to stop keeping things in and start to articulate with has been bothering me in the hopes that actually getting things out will help me process and eventually come to terms with all the feelings I am experiencing.

This blog has always been good for that.  So I am going to get personal.  I am going to let you into my head.  And that is something I have always been careful about doing but it feels like I don’t have a choice anymore.

There will still be stories about my boys, my job and other random bits of my life.  In addition to all those posts, there will also be posts about how badly I have been hurting for the past two years and the people who have hurt me.  Those will be the most difficult posts for me to write but those are the ones that I need to write.  For some of them I am going to make myself share what’s been going on.  I know it would be hard and that’s where I ask for your patience.

Bear with me.

I am trying to heal myself.

I have a notebook

Unfortunately I am not using it like I should. Most days there are things I need to remember and I used to be able to say to myself “don’t forget to do this” and I wouldn’t forget to do it.

Not anymore.

Now I forget. I walk away and start doing something else and whatever it was I was supposed to remember gets forgotten. So my fantastic idea on how to build a salad or some new way to organize the closet gets lost somewhere between here and there only to be thought of again weeks later when I will probably forget about it later on in the day. It really is quite bad. So I got myself a pocket notebook that I can use to write down all the things I have to remember and now I have writers block.

I have nothing to write down. I am subconsciously preventing myself from using the book. I had this grandiose plan of having a notebook filled with random bits of knowledge and ideas in which I could refer to later on. It would be a physical reminder of all the great things I am capable of coming up with during the day. But that just isn’t happening right now. I don’t think it has to do with me admitting my memory sucks, I know it sucks, hence me relenting and getting the book. There is more to it than that.

What the more is, I am not sure.

That time of year…..again

It;s that time of year again, end of school.  You know what that means; teacher gifts!

Teacher gifts always stress me out.  They are supposed to be easy but they are not.

I never know what to get.  I can pretty much guarantee the teachers have enough hand lotion and coffee mugs to last them three lifetimes.  So I don’t like getting them things I know they already have too many of.

Then there is just the sheer volume of gifts I have to get.  The boys each have two teachers plus three after school teachers; that’s seven teachers that I have to buy for.  That gets expensive really fast.  Because even though I intend to spend $5 a teacher, that never happens.

So now I am trying to figure out what sort of “unique” present I can get for them.  Usually I get them all the same thing.  One present across seven teachers makes organizing easier but this year I think I might switch things up.  I am thinking of getting individual gifts for each teacher and seeing if that works out better.  Maks has one teacher who really loves Nutella so she is getting the biggest jar of Nutella I can find.  The teachers who love coffee are getting Starbucks gift cards,  The only one left is the teacher who loves music.  Maks suggested a Yamaha P105

That’s not going to happen.  I just need to figure her out and I should be in good shape.  Oh, and I need to figure all this out by Wednesday.

Yikes!

The Garage Sale That Wasn’t

So the plan for June was for me to have this mega garage sale. I was supposed to dedicate a weekend and clean out all the junk.  I am the first to admit it was an ambitious plan given all the stuff I have and I am not surprised that the garage sale didn’t end up happening.  I have been purging and purging and purging but there is still so much more stuff I need to go through.  It seems like there is just so much stuff.  And I keep finding random things as well.  I found toys, socks, roland drums available at Musicians Friend , baby blankets and so much more.  I just can’t believe just how much stuff we have accumulated over the years.  I have this tendency to save things in case I need them at a later date but I have to stop that.  It just causes me to have more garbage than anything else.  I also need to figure out better ways to store things.  I have things piled and stuffed into closets and I need to stop doing that.  I need to organize my closets otherwise in a couple of months I’ll be in the same position again.

Something Sunny

It’s raining and cold. It feels like summer will never start.  There were a couple of days where we had some nice weather but it never lasts long.  The rain just ends up coming back and making things soggy, cold and depressing.

So with all the gloom around me, I figured I would share something to make you smile. It makes me smile whenever I think about it.  It is something just inherently adorable and my kid did it, so it’s even cuter because of him.

Mats: “Mommy, can you tell me the story of Secure Onion?”

Me: “Who?”

Mats: “You know.  Secure Onion.”

Me: “Mats, I have no idea who Secure Onion is.”

Mats: “Yes, you do.  It’s the really tall guy with the blue ox.”

Me: “PAUL BUNION!”

Mats: “Yea, that guy.”

Things I learned in April

Facemasks make me break out.

So I tried a couple of different kinds of face masks over the past month. They were all these random combinations of exotic ingredients meant to make my skin amazing.  I have to say that I don’t usually use things on my face.  I have good skin to start with.  I normally don’t get acne or any other kind of common skin issues.  So when it comes to my face, it’s just bar soap and water.  But I really wanted to try the face masks because they looked so cool.  (Yes, I feel for the marketing.)  So I bought them and tried them all out.  And what I learned was I should just leave well enough alone.

The first kind of mask I tried was clay. It was meant to get rid of impurities and make my face feel tighter and younger.  This one was OK.  It did what it said it would do but it didn’t have the all the pomp and circumstance of other masks.  It is was ingredients I could pronounce making my skin feel smooth, big whoop.

Then I tried a mud and algae mask. Again this one did exactly what it said it would do.  It cleansed, it tighten and it moisturized.  But like the clay mask, there really wasn’t any kind of pomp and circumstance to it.

The last mask I tried was the black charcoal mask. This was the dramatic one.  It was the one I had been waiting for.  You could feel it tightening.  After a while it was hard to talk and peeling it off resulted in all these little white things being pulled off your face.  It was satisfying actually seeing things being removed.  Since the other masks just washed off after you were done, you never really saw if they pulled gunk off of my face or not but this mask let you see the gunk it all its glory.  So I made it up in my mind, this mask was my favourite, simply because I could see what it was doing.

Until later in the week, that is. My face had started feeling funny.  It would burn when I applied lotion to it.  It was really sensitive.  And I started to notice blemishes on my skin.  I was getting blackheads and they were noticeable.  I was getting pimples.  Nothing major just little ones but I had never gotten pimples before.  It was weird. And it was all because of the face masks.  Using them deep cleaned my face, yes, but they also made my skin more susceptible to all the things I had been able to avoid for most of my life.  So now I need to figure out how to get my skin to being as resilient as it used to be.

Apple cider vinegar is not a cure all.

The next big thing for April was apple cider vinegar. A co-worker of mine swears it can help with anything going on in your life.  It’s what coconut oil was in 2016.  She swears it can help with hair loss/hair growth, weight loss and everything in-between.  So I started using it for Maks skin issues and as a hair rinse.

For Maks I made this wonderful little scrub and I have had him using it every couple of days. For my hair, I diluted the cider with some water and would use it to rinse my hair after shampooing but before conditioning once a week.

Maks used the scrub and I used the rinse for about a month and the verdict is, we are both smellier but his skin hasn’t changed and my hair is just about the same. I am sure apple cider vinegar works for some people and maybe we just aren’t giving it enough time to be effective but Maks skin condition is something we have been dealing with for a long time and it may take something stronger than apple cider vinegar to get it cleared up.  I am on the fence about whether or not I am going to keep using the apple cider vinegar in my hair.  I need some sort of reassurance the rinse is working for me to keep using it.  In my mind, if I haven’t seen any results four weeks in, it’s just not working.

*I got this cartoon from Adamtots over on Instagram. His watermark is on the cartoon if you want to check out his work.

**I didn’t try all these masks at the same time. Even though the post makes it sound that way.  I tried them over the course of the month.