Que Sera Sera
Way back when I was young and naïve I planned out my life. I decided that I would be married, have kids, and be working in a library or museum. I’m not much of a writer but I am a reader. I love books and history so it my head I knew that they would be in my future. I didn’t know in what capacity though and I really didn’t care. I could be the chick cataloguing, shelving, giving tours, whatever. It was the place that I wanted to be and it didn’t matter what I was doing I knew that being there, among the relics, transcripts and facts, would make me happy. I wasn’t interested in wearing a suit and battling corporate America. I wasn’t interested in submitting profit and loss reports and having subordinates report to me. I wanted to be able to read all day, everyday.
When I was around 22 I start working in this industry. It wasn’t what I wanted to do; it was what I needed to do to pay off my tuition. I figured that I would work until I graduated and then I would start working in a museum or something.
I graduated that year.
Eight years later I am still in the same industry. I am in a different company and I have been here for five years now. I have worked my way up the corporate ladder and made something of myself. I cannot tell you what I have made of myself but I know it is something, my business card tells me so.
Millhouse & I got into a fight last night. It was not a rip, roaring, screamfest that happens when he thinks he’s right, and I know I’m right. It was a very subdued hushed argument with me saying very little and him speaking with his head down. Those are the fights that I hate to have because those are the fights that are past anger; they are the fights with substance, the ones where someone is really hurt or upset by something and the other person knows this.
He is tired. He feels neglected. He doesn’t like this. Since getting this promotion, I work long hours. I am not there for him or Maks physically, emotionally and mentally anymore. I am always preoccupied with work. When I am not thinking or talking about work, I am working. I don’t have time to cook anymore. I don’t have time to bad mouth weight loss products. I don’t have time to play anymore. I don’t have time to run anymore. I don’t have time to blog anymore. I don’t have the time to do all the things that I loved to do anymore. And Millhouse doesn’t get why.
And I don’t blame him.
This isn’t what I envisioned of my life. I wanted to have a family and a life. And I had that. Before getting a fancy title I had that. I can’t lie, I like my new job. I like the challenges and the successes but I cannot keep sacrificing my family.
I need to get my balance back.
This can’t be it.