With the passing of my Godfather, I have been thinking about careers a lot.  Specifically my career and where I want to be.  I have decided to make a change.  I think that I am going to look into going back to school.  I am not sure if I am going to go back for my Masters in Anthropology or if I am going to go in a completely different direction yet.  And the reason that I don’t know what I am going to do yet depends on my current job.  I am trying to find a way to get them to pay for my school.  If they will then I am going to go in a completely new direction.  If they do not, I am quitting and most likely going to do my Masters in Food Anthropology.

Either way I going to be doing something that I want to do.  And that makes me feel better.

How was your Christmas?

My Christmas was good.  Millhouse and I stayed up until midnight wrapping presents.  I decided that next year I am going to wrap the presents as I buy them because staying up until midnight on Christmas eve wrapping presents has lost all its lustre.  Christmas day was full of food.  We slept in and then woke up to wrap presents.  Then my parents came over for breakfast, then we went over to my parents house for lunch, then it was off to my in laws for dinner and then to my aunt for an even later dinner and dessert. 

By the end of it, I couldn’t move and I was really happy to see my bed. 

Present wise, I got all the things that I wanted with the exception of the make up bag and charge purse that I asked for.  And I got a book on ecommerce fulfillment that I didn’t ask for.  It’s not really a topic that intrests me but it is something that I will read on the train to and from work.

I know that I have the uncanny ability to be a heartless wench, to b*tch about my husband, and spend a whole lot of time wallowing in my own feelings and emotions.  I let things get to me and drag me down but today is Christmas Eve and that does not get to me today. 

Christmas and the holiday season holds no religious significance to me.  It is, however, all about family.  It is the one time of year that I make time for my non – immediate family.  This is the time that I want to see them, not for the presents but for their presence.  To feel the love that isn’t so forthcoming the rest of the year that is readily shared during Christmas, is what makes it special to me. 

So with that, I wish you and your family the warmest of holiday greetings.  May your holidays be filled with love, happiness, good food, strong egg nog, friendships, soul mates and unabashed joy.

Husband:  if you are reading this.  STOP RIGHT NOW!  I am not going to divulge any secret information about our relationship to the internet.  Nor am I going to air my grievances about something that you know nothing about.  I am going to b*tch about something that you are sick of hearing about.  I am going to talk about something that you have asked me to stop talking about and since you are refusing to discuss this with me, I am going to discuss it with the interweb.  Why?  Because I need to talk about this, I need to get this off my chest.  So unless you want to read about a topic that you are sick of talking about then I would stop reading NOW.     

As the title says I am mad at my husband but I am not really mad, I am disappointed and feel very alone. 

Last May we started trying for baby #2.  We weren’t really trying it was more like not being careful.  We adopted a if it happens it happens kind of attitude.  But nothing happened.  So January of this year I decided to get serious about trying.  I told Millhouse this and he was OK with it.  I went to the doctor in February, told him about what was going on and got checked out to make sure that everything was working well.  I got a clean bill of health.  Millhouse declined to get checked out because he ‘knew’ that everything was OK.  I was OK with that because I figured that the previous failures to get pregnant were the result of timing.  So I got some ovulation strips from a friend and got serious about trying.  I started charting, testing and tracking monthly.  Millhouse really wasn’t involved in this part.  His involvement in the trying was limited to the BD.  And that was OK.  I am the planner and this is what I did.  

After 10 months after trying and failing, there was another trip to the doctor for me and out came the medication.  It was official on Monday, the first cycle of Clomid failed.  I feel lost and I need Millhouse to get involved.  I want him to go get tested but he doesn’t want to, he thinks that he is fine.  And that is fine.  But we need to make sure that he is because if he isn’t then all these months have been a waste.  I need him to get involved but the more I ask the more he asks to me to stop involving him.  

I am mad because I wanted him to do this months ago but his masculine pride refuses to believe that there is even the possibility that the problem may not be with me but with him.  He refuses to even acknowledge that he may be the reason that we cannot have another baby.  In my head I need him to have a clean bill of health for us to keep trying.  I cannot keep going knowing that this may never work and him not getting tested means that there is always that possibility.  

This is breaking me down emotionally and he wants me to stop thinking about it.  He says that I am putting too much pressure on him.  And I don’t understand how.  I started being really vocal about him going to the doctor two months ago AFTER more than a year of being quiet.  After almost a year of doing this on my own, I am asking him to please get involved because I cannot do this on my own anymore and he feels pressured. 

I am mad at him.

I can’t fu*king wait until this year is done and behind me. 

Yeah, I am in a pissy mood.  I am beyond pissy right now I will rip your head off for looking at me the wrong way so consider yourself warned.  

I firmly believe that good is tied to bad, that happy and sad live in the same house.  What this means is that in times of extreme joy there will always be a time of extreme sadness to counterbalance the joy, times of deep darkness will always be followed by a blinding light.  But then the cycle will start again.  The darkness will return but so will the light.  The fairies, the fates, sun & moon Gods don’t want us being too happy so they give us the ying and yang to keep us in check. 

You may not believe in this but I do.  In my head it all makes sense. 

In 2006 happy and sad played me like a fiddle.  I had the happy at the beginning of the year, I got married, and I got pregnant.  Then sad hit me towards the end, my Godfather had a massive stroke.  He was in a bad way for a long time but then he started to get better. 

In 2007 happy and sad hit me again.  I had Maks, the highest high that I have ever experienced in my life.  Sad followed with me realizing what friendship really was.  It wasn’t the lowest low I ever experienced but it was a hard one for me to get over. 

This year has been filled with sad.  Happy has gone on vacation and left me in 2009.  I have a barren womb, after 16 months of trying, there is still no baby and my gut is telling me that a baby number 2 is not in our future.  And I do not mean near future, I mean forever future.  The promotion that I wanted turned out to be a noose around me, binding me to a job that I don’t want anymore, testing my strength and having people from all levels throw me under the bus.  And lastly, I lost my Godfather.  It was a sad that I never expected and one of the hardest to overcome. 

If sad has anything else to throw at me, I don’t know if I can handle it.  I am beaten people.  There is no more I can take.  I know that I sound over dramatic but I mean this from the depths of my soul.  I can’t handle anymore sad.  Even the happy news that used to brighten me is making me cry.  My cousin just told me that she is due in April with number 2 and I started bawling.  I am happy for her but so sad for me.  

I want happy back and I am hoping that he shows up again in 2010.

Now back to researching custom water bottles.

He liked to smoke too much.

He liked to drink too much.

He liked to fight too much.

He liked fried food and pork too much.

He liked to dance too much.

He liked to laugh until he cried.

He ended up in the back seat of a police car too much.

He had an infectious smile.

He was allergic to shirts and spent as much of his time as he could bare back or with the least amount of buttons that he could buttoned.

He was one of the first friends that my dad made when he came to Canada.  My dad had no one and he became his brother from another mother.

He acted as my dad’s brother the day he married my mother because it made sense for him too.

He danced with my mother on the day that she married my father.

He held me in the palm of his hand when I came home from the hospital.

He took us in and gave us a place to stay when blood relatives refused to.

He let us eat chips for breakfast.

He let me bait my own hook.

He told me that he loved me and that I could have anything that I wanted.

He thought I was special.

He had 2 heart attacks and two strokes.

He remembered me when he forgot where he was.

He was a fighter.

He never gave up.

I was his brother from another mother’s daughter.

I didn’t speak to him everyday.

I didn’t see him every week.

I didn’t send him birthday or Christmas presents.

I was there when he needed me.

I prayed for him when he needed it.

I loved him more than I ever told him.

I miss him.

He is my godfather.

Wicked

December 7^th, 1951 – December 9^th, 2009

Millhouse has an unattainable list when it comes to Christmas.  I think he does it on purpose because he really doesn’t want me to buy him anything so he gives me a list of things that I would have a really hard time getting.  This year he wants:

A garage floor.  This is really hard because we don’t have a garage!  He really wants a garage.  He wants a two car garage.  And really how in the heck am I going to get him that!!

I have been questioning the path of my life lately.  I have been going through choices that I have made and wondering if I did things differently if my life would be any different.  Up until now I have been wondering about superficial things, wondering about things that in the long run of my life mean nothing. 

I attended my godfather’s funeral yesterday and I am questioning my life again.  I am wondering what people would say about me if I were to leave tomorrow, wondering about the regrets that I would have if I were to leave tomorrow.  

If I died today would Maks know just how much I loved him?  Would Stinky know just how proud I am of her?  Would Millhouse know how smart I thought he was?  Would Beanz know how strong I thought she was?  Would my parents know how much I respected them?  Would Tru know just how much I envied her invincibility?  Would Nai know how much I appreciated her and all her support?  Would they know?  Am I doing enough to show them?  I don’t think I am. 

I spent the majority of yesterday afternoon wondering about work and all the things that I had to do but then it hit me.  Why was I spending all this time worrying about this?  Why was I so worried and profit and loss for 2009 when I could be playing with my son?  I need to get my life in balance and because I that I am going to let something go.  I am going to give up a career that I never really wanted to pursue something that I have always wanted.  I am not going to wait any longer.  

Because I’ve put too many things off until tomorrow and tomorrow never comes.

I haven’t posted in a week but it feels like so much longer.  There are so much going on and life has finally caught up with me.  Actually one major thing has happened and it has knocked me down and I am still laying on my back like a turtle trying to get up. 

My godfather died on December 9^th.  In my head I have a beautiful post about him.  I want to tell the blogosphere what he meant to me, how my heart aches and how in my head I keep replaying all the things that I wish I had said to him when I had the chance.  All the things I wanted to say but I always put off because I was certain that I would see him again keep swirling like a vortex in my brain.  I said to him as his casket burned and I saw the smoke billowing out of the crematorium yesterday but I wish I had known back then that it would have been the last time that I was going to see him.  I would have hugged him and told him just how special he was to me and how much I loved him.  Now all I can do is cry, and wish that he never left.

Work has me crying a lot lately.

Here’s what is going on:

I work for one of the biggest companies in the world.  I started out as just a cog in the wheel and worked my way up.  I got promoted in September to a account manager.  In a company of over 25, 000 people there are only 37 account managers and I am one of them.  We represent and are responsible for multi million dollar companies.  I am the first female, first minority and the youngest manager in the company ever.  So I am really proud of my accomplishments.

Last week I overheard someone at the very top at my clients talking to another VP.  He was talking about the competition and how after 20 years with us he was going to move on to another company.  This freaked me out and I texted my boss right away.  She freaked because to lose these guys would mean that the company is out close to double digit millions in revenue and not only would I be out of a job but an entire client team of 28 people in Asia would be out of a job. 

So she took the information as high as the CEO, so that they could all brain storm and come up with a plan of attack.  But instead of coming up with a plan to save the company, they decided that the reason that the client wanted to leave was because of me.  Apparently I am too junior for the position and they want to get rid of me and get someone older to take over the position.

So since that suggestion was made my life has been hell.  It has been late night phone calls, self doubt and frustration.  I cry every night because I didn’t screw up and I am getting punished for it.

And it really sucks.

I have put my life on hold to fix this and nothing seems to working.  I have stopped planning our orlando vacations because I don’t know what is going to happen.  But I hope that whatever happens that I come through stronger because right now I am beat down.