I have one.

It showed up just after I got the promotion.  All the stress is getting to me and the vein that is the tell tale sign.  I used to just have dark circles under eyes and that was before my promotion.  But now with working close to 11 hours a day, dealing with issues that I never thought that I was going to have to deal with, dealing with my so called friends and my would be enemies has gotten to me.  And now I have a vein that throbs under my left eye just about everyday.

But I can’t complain too much.  At least I have a job.  Things could be much worse.  Because of work I have a life insurance policy, a retirement plan, health insurance and a vein that throbs under my left eye.

Halloween is right around the corner and we are going to have a Halloween party.  But it is very different from any other Halloween party that we have ever had.  There will be no slutty costumes, no copious amounts of alcohol, no pong game and no one dressed up as female anatomy or horse supplies.  Instead we are going to have a PG13 haunted house in the basement complete with a gross table and a maze.  We are going to go trick or treating and most likely be in bed by 9pm.  And I think I am going to have more fun at this party than any other party that I have been to.

On Tuesdays I ramble and I don’t try to control it or make sense of it.  I ♥ Tuesday!  And props to the Un Mom because she runs this Tuesday show with poise and wine all while fighting off zombies that are trying to spread the H1N1 virus.  

And if that wasn’t enough random for you, here we go! 

My Monday sucked royally.  I had an earache.  I had to pick up a CEO from China whom I had never met from his hotel in the middle of rush hour in the heart of downtown at 7:30am which meant that I was up at 5am to leave the house at 6:30am to get there in time which meant that I did not even get to see Maks wake up.  And I hit A POLE!!  That’s right people I had my first accident in 12 years with a stationary object!  My boss was not impressed when I told her that I had crashed the company car into a pole after only having it for a month.  Then a client called and proceeded to cuss at me for a situation that I have sent him dozens of emails on but he failed to read because he doesn’t “do” emails.  I was working for 12 hours when all was said and done.  Can I tell you, I was so happy to see Monday go. 

I came home last night to find Millhouse watching a show about Alexander the Great on the History channel.  I asked him why and he told me that it was interesting and that he has recently discovered that the likes the History channel.  I put it on my list as something that I never thought that I would see. 

I have a pimple on my chin.  I think I got it from wearing make up.  I think I am wearing the wrong kind of make up.  My face feels like it is stifling when I put on the foundation, I don’t think it is supposed to feel that way. 

My vocabulary is dwindling.  I have all kinds of words in my brain that I should be using but I’m not.  I want to start using contrite, detrimental, hegemony in sentences again, not just in the conversations that I have in my head. 

This is a real email that was sent out last week: 

Please join us in the celebration of Mimi’s Birthday with CAKE!!!!

 ….sshhh…it is a surprise…

 Time: 3:00pm Today

Place: secret meeting area

Real Reason: Meli needs a fix…. 

The sad thing is, it was true.  I didn’t orchestrate the email but I really did want cake.  Apparently my work people can tell when I am jonesing for cake. 

That is all.  I hope your Tuesday was better than your Monday. 

That would be me. 

I have decided that after a year of trying that Mother Nature needs some help.  So I have enlisted the help of Clomid.  It is supposed to help.  Apparently it has a very good success rate, a pregnancy within three months.  Unfortunately for me I cannot take it this month.  The day that I was supposed to start has passed so I have to wait until next month to start.  I am disappointed that I cannot start right away but after a year I am willing to wait a month.  Also, it is a good thing that I have a Medicare supplement plan because these pills were expensive.

I am not sure how I feel about being medicated though.  I am usually anti – pills but I am willing to give this a chance.   But I think that we are not going to take this any further than the next three months.  If Clomid doesn’t work, I think that we are just going to give up.  Emotionally I don’t think that we can take much more.

First off I just wanted to share a bit of mommy fail followed by a bit of daddy fail then on to my post de jour that I should have posted yesterday but didn’t have the time. 

Today is bring in something spooky day at Mak’s daycare but since his mommy is a slacker that has not gotten anything together for Halloween yet (other than his costume) he had nothing to bring in.  His teacher was not impressed.  But really who is prepared for Halloween a week before.  Everyone I know rushes out on the 30^th for their Halloween stuff. 

Last night at around 11:30pm I was cussing my job working in the living room when I heard Maks walk out of his room.  I thought that he was getting up to go to the potty so I stood at the bottom of the stairs listening to see if he would go into the bathroom.  But he didn’t.  He walked into our room and climbed into bed with Millhouse, who was fast asleep.  He then proceeded to smack Millhouse on the shoulder and ask for some milk.  Millhouse didn’t wake up at all.  It wasn’t until I came into the room and smacked him did he wake up.  I asked him if he didn’t hear Maks in the bed with him and he replied ‘I thought it was you so I wasn’t paying attention’.  Nice, husband I got, huh. 

I have To Do Lists.  They are mostly in my head.  But when I put them on paper I realize its no wonder that I forget things and that I can never get anything done.  This is my list for today.

• Go to the dentist
• Go to the mall & pick up some work shirts
• Get eyebrows done
• Go get picture scanned
• Make birthday party invitations
• Order savings bonds
• Return work pants that don’t fit
• Pick Maks up some sweat pants
• Get Halloween decorations & more candy
• Drop off dry cleaning
• Drop off dress, skirt & jeans to be hemmed 

This is what I plan to get done between 3pm and 6pm today.  The only one of these things that I can guarantee will get done is the dentist and that is because Millhouse is picking me up and making me go otherwise I would never go.  I hate the dentist, because I am a really bad flosser.  I have to floss more I know this but I just don’t have the time.  Flossing is time consuming.  Everything else is a maybe.

For some randomness that was actually published on a Tuesday, head over to the Un Mom.

*update*

I went to dentist and got some work shirts.  Everything else got pushed back to tomorrow.

I apologize for all the ‘woe is me’ posts, I know that I have been going on and on lately but I really can’t help it.  It is how I feel.  This whole process of trying to get pregnant again has me defeated.  I feel like such a failure.  I am so confused, sad and just not me.  I don’t understand how something that happened so fast and so easily the first time is so elusive the second time around. 

I am not by any stretch of the imagination unhappy with my life.  Please don’t think this.  I love my son.  He is my world.  I love him more than words can even begin to describe but it is I always wanted more than one child.  I was very vocal about wanting one child.  I told anyone that would listen that I wanted 4 kids, born a year apart all before I hit my 30’s.  It was so bad that my boss asked me on my first day back from mat leave if I was pregnant because she knew that I wanted to have another child right away. 

But I am a month away from my 30^th birthday, Maks is 2 and ½ and I can’t get pregnant.  

I chart, I track, I test, I eat yams, I tilt my pelvis after sex, I check CM but nothing.  It’s been more than a year and nothing.  Now I know that this is nothing compared to what others have gone through.  I know that there are people out there that are on medication, getting invasive tests, surgery, injected, dissected, prodded and probed.  I know that I have gone through nothing compared to them.  

But I don’t want to go that far.  The build up of hope that comes crashing down every 30 days is wearing me down emotionally.  I don’t think I am strong enough to take trying that far.  Emotionally I don’t think I can do it. 

I want to give up.  In fact I think I have given up.  I canceled my charting accounts, I have hidden my ovulation testers, I am trying really hard to tune out all things baby and just focus on all things preschooler.  

But it is hard.  

I don’t want to give up but I don’t think that I can keep going.

This new promotion has me redoing me.  I pretty much have the clothes part figured out.  I wear suits more often now and the collared shirts don’t bother me as much as they used to.  I still hate wearing suits and collared shirts but not as much as I used to.

Now I have to work on my hair and make up.  Right now my hair kinda, sorta resembles Victoria Beckham’s hair, just not as posh.  It is more of a posh squirrel’s nest.  But I want to get it cut even shorter.  Not quite as short as Halle Berry but pretty darn close to that length.  The reason for that is simple, I hate having my hair get caught on the damn collared shirts that I now have to wear.  So I am going to go short.  I am not too worried about my hair.

I am worried about my make up though.  I don’t know how to wear make up, I don’t know how to fix dark circles under eyes, I don’t know how to put it on and I don’t know how to keep it on.  I tend to rub my eyes and rest my head in my palms and that is not make up friendly.  By the end of the day I end up with eyeliner smudged across my face and hand prints on my cheeks. 

But I think it is time that I learned.

Lookie I got the title right, two weeks in a row!  I think I deserve some sort of prize, I will gladly take a ninja.  You can UPS him to my house this weekend.  Thanks! 

OK now on to the randomness! 

This weekend was Canadian thanksgiving.  Some people celebrate on the Sunday and some on the Monday but my family we make it an entire weekend event.  We eat gluttonessly for three days in a row and then take naps.  It’s great.  Thanksgiving is one of our favourite holidays, right up there with Diwali and Christmas.  All of which involve large quantities of food and sweets.  We really enjoy anything occasion that allows us to eat large quantities of food guilt free.  

Another thing about thanksgiving that I love – butter!!  I love that golden, artery clogging stuff but I limit its use…..usually.  But at thanksgiving all that limiting goes out the window!  I put that stuff in everything.  I put butter under the skin of the chicken (we don’t do turkey) then cover that bad boy in bacon.  Yeah.  I put a huge chunk of butter with some heavy cream in my mashed potatoes.  I fry up the brussel sprouts in garlic butter.  Hell, even mix in some butter into the stuffing.  Butter is everywhere and I love it.  

That’s it for my random Tuesday post.  I know this one was short but I am suffering from post Thanksgiving laziness.  I am going to laze around watching the Biggest Loser.  But for some more randomness head over to the Un Mom.  She’s not there but there is pretty of random thoughts.

When I was 24 turning 25 Millhouse and I went on vacation.  We went on one of those late minute deals to an all inclusive in the Dominican Republic.  We went because I was turning 25 and the thought of being stuck in the snow for such a big birthday depressed me.  Now 5 years after I made that decision, I feel the same way about my 30th birthday.  I want to be someplace warm and sunny for my birthday this year but I don’t think that is going to be possible.  So I am torturing myself by looking at vacation deals and sites for myrtle beach resorts.

I will be halfway to 60 in about 6 weeks. 

This is shocking to me because I don’t feel like I am going to be 30.  I still feel like I am 18.  OK not physically, I can’t go out until 5am and then drag my butt to class but I don’t feel like an adult.  I am not sure what exactly an adult feels like so I think this is adding to my confusion about whether or not I am an adult or not. 

But I have decided to have a party to celebrate.  It is going to be a combination Christmas / Birthday party because my birthday is close to Christmas and my mom doesn’t want to have a party a week after mine for Christmas.  So now I have to work on getting invites and such ready.  I am going to send out actual invites just because I like sending out things in the mail.  I like getting non – bills in the mail and I go on the assumption that everyone else does too.  I just have to find a way to put on the invitations that I just want people to come and have fun.  I don’t want presents.  I know a lot of people who just have parties or invite people to things because they want presents but I hate that.  I wouldn’t say no to diamonds or the winning lotto numbers but other than that I don’t want or need anything.  I really and truly just want people to come and have fun.