Once upon a time there was a girl who spent a good deal of her life comparing herself to someone else. The girl she compared herself to was someone that someone else had loved. The girl was always told that the girl that someone else had loved was beautiful, smart, an angel, the world, articulate, creative, curvy, slim, brilliant, captivating, delicious, mesmerizing and everything & anything. She was someone that the girl could never be. She would never measure up.

It took a long time for the girl to convince herself that she was equal to the girl that someone else had loved. It took a long time for her to understand that even though she wasn’t everything and anything to that person, she was everything and anything to someone else and that made her heart smile.

But there was one aspect of the other girl that the girl wanted. She wanted friends. The someone that someone else had loved had friends. She had heart friends that loved her. She had creative friends to whom she could express herself. She had fun friends with whom she could call on a whim. She oodles and oodles of friends and the girl had none.

The girl had none. And it is doubtful that she ever would have the friendships that the someone that someone else loved had. That made her sad but she accepted it and moved on.

I have to figure out what Maks is going to be for Halloween.  Last year I waited until the last minute and all the good costumes were gone and we got stuck with the leftovers.  He ended up being a skeleton.  He was cute and all but it wasn’t exactly what I had envisioned for him. 

This year I am on the ball and am going to get him his costume this weekend.  I am thinking that he maybe Superman.  There is a really cute Super Girl costume that we found for Stinky and I was hoping that coordinate them this year.  It might take some convincing on Stinky’s part though, she tends to be a Princess for Halloween, so a super hero will be something different for her.  I figure I can put Millhouse in a superman shirt and he can be the super grown up that is walking with them.  That way people know that they belong together.  Otherwise no one would believe that they are related.  But we know that they are, no DNA testing required for them.   :) 

On a side note, I was very disappointed in the selection of costumes for girls.  They were skanky for girls in elementary school.  I expected them to be scandalous for women but French maid costumes for seven year olds is ridiculous!!

*Millhouse requested that I do this post.  He claims that you all would get a laugh as a result of his popularity.  I say that he is a tried and true nerd and only he would really find this post amusing.  So, Millhouse here you go.* 

My husband is super popular, according to him anyway.  According to him, he is so popular that whenever we go out people know him.  Then he gave these examples.  (The italics are me.) 

Example one:  The grocery store 

This week while I am busy checking out produce and climbing up racks of bread trying to grab the loaves with the longest shelf life.  Millhouse & Maks are were rolling around in the cart looking at the candy and ice cream.  When I finally tracked them down, Millhouse was having a conversation with someone.  I didn’t know the person so I checked out with Maks* and waited for Millhouse in the car.  Turns out that the person that he was talking to works at the restaurant where he buys lunch all the time.  Dude recognized him and then proceeded to have a 20 minute conversation with him.

Example two:  Costco 

I was clipping coupons at the cash when some dude waves at Millhouse.  Millhouse proceeds to wave back and then walk over and have a conversation.  It turns out that the dude is the pizza delivery guy.  He recognized Millhouse because he sees him so often.

 Example three:  leaving Costco 

The dude that checks your receipt before you leave eyes Millhouse as we walk towards him with our cart full of pizza pops and tampons.  When we get closer he yells out ‘decepticon’!  He and Millhouse then go on to talk about the t-shirt that he is wearing.  (It has the decepticon symbol on it).  It turns out that the guy that checks your receipt is a 80’s nerd too. 

Millhouse has taken these three incidents, which all occurred in the past 24 hours, as signs of his super duper popularity.  I say it is just proof that he eats out too much & he is a nerd. 

That is the best way to describe today, absolutely craptacular! 

I got up later than I intended, so that meant I dropped Maks at daycare later than intended, which meant that I missed my train into the city because I was later getting back than I intended.  Millhouse was a sweet heart and drove me in and I snuck into the office without much hoopla, which was great.  But then my computer wouldn’t start, I couldn’t connect to the internet and basically I couldn’t do anything.  I called IT and he said 1.  Oops, maybe we should have checked your portable internet yesterday & 2.  go to Starbucks they have free internet there.  Neither of which impressed me and Starbucks didn’t work.  So I had to come back to the office but I missed the 11:30am train so I had to wait for the 1pm train.  Millhouse again saved me.  He picked me up and took me back to work.  And here I sit, racing to catch up.

I really want to go home, take a shower and not do anything.  I really should go home, clean, work out for an hour and then shower & relax.  But I doubt that is going to happen.  But I am hoping that I at least workout for a bit otherwise I may have to start looking into a diet pill again.

When I was younger I wanted to go somewhere.  Literally, go somewhere that wasn’t here.  I never wanted to stay living in the same town that I grew up in.  I wanted something different.  I even went so far as to look up moving companies New York but for whatever reason (most likely because I was broke) that never happened.  Life went on and I forgot about moving.  But every once in awhile when I drive my high school, I wonder what my life would have been like if I really did leave.

And I don’t mean damned in the hellfire and brimstone kind of way.  More like, gosh I didn’t know that and I am a total dunce kind of way. 

It’s not called ‘Random Thought Tuesday’.  It’s ‘Random Tuesday Thoughts’.  I didn’t realize this until yesterday when I actually read the button on Keely’s page.  All this time I was doing it backwards.  Ah well, from now on it will be Random Tuesday Thoughts.  Well, with the exception of this post because I already typed Random Thought Tuesday and I am too lazy to change it even though I have just drawn attention to my glaring error.  Oh well, I’m lazy. 

I have an ever growing list of books that I want to get for Stinky & Maks and since I am now right next door to a book store, I keep seeing new things that I want to get for them.  Tomorrow I am going to get ‘A Poppy is to Remember’ for Stinky.  She had a lot of questions last Remembrance Day and this book will be good for explaining why we remember.  Maks is going to get ‘I Love You, Stinky Face’.  His teacher says he asks for it every single day.  So I am going to get it for bedtime. 

When I was in school I would take notes during the lecture.  Then after the lecture I would head over to the library and rewrite my notes.  And by rewrite I mean, write neatly, colour coordinate and highlight my text from the previous lecture.  (Yes, I am a nerd.  Tell me something I didn’t know.)  I find myself doing this now after meetings or conference calls, I really need to stop. 

Maks will only eat melon (cantaloupe, honeydew, or watermelon) in ball form.  I have to make melon balls for him to eat melon.  Otherwise he won’t touch the stuff. 

That’s all for today folks.  And BTW, it’s Wednesday but that’s OK it just makes the post all the more random.

Two weeks before Maks 1^st birthday I got his name tattooed on my right wrist.  I bucked at tradition and instead of having his name face outwards towards the reader; I have it facing inwards.

The reason I have it like that is so I can read it.

Whenever I get overwhelmed, stressed, or upset I have the habit of closing my eyes and covering my face with the palms of my hands.  I do it for about a minute and it helps me shut out the world and gather myself.  A lot of times doing this helps me stop the tears.  (I tend to cry for everything, when I am happy, sad, mad, frustrated, stressed, relieved, or overly anxious)  

Now when I get to that point and I open my eyes in my palms, I see Maks name.  It is there to remind me of why I do what I do.  It reminds me of why I try as hard as I do and why I have no choice but to persevere.  And lately, I have needed it more than ever.

 He is 2 years old and he doesn’t know just how much he has helped me stay strong in the past three weeks but without him I would have crumbled. 

 Things have gotten very tense at work since I got this promotion.  I have come to realize that my ‘friends’ at work are not really my friends; they are just my co-workers.  But even with this knowledge at the forefront of my mind, the snide remarks, the cold shoulders, the reluctance to have anything to do with me socially or work related, the challenges to my knowledge and reputation even though I have proven time and time again that I am more than capable, has gotten to me.  My head spends a lot of time in my palms.  But every time I think I can’t handle anymore, when I think that this promotion was a really bad idea and that moving ahead of my peers has damaged me more than it has helped me, I open my eyes and I am staring a this name that is etched into my skin for forever.  The name that is written in beautiful black cursive writing and I remember why I am doing this. 

 I remember that I want to be more than I am because I was him to be proud of me.  I want to be more than just Maks mommy and Millhouse’s wife.  I want to be so much more because I want him to see that it is possible to be so much more.  I remember that I have to succeed not because I am the first visible minority, the first female and the youngest manager ever in this company but because Maks is watching.  I want him to know that if I can do this, he can do so much more because he has it in him to be so much more. 

 So after another crazy day filled with negativity and doubt, I sit here looking at the name of the person that means more to me than anything else, and I decide to go back to work because he reminds me that I have it in me to be so much more.

I can’t remember if I wrote this post of not.  My mind has been so jumbled lately I just don’t remember.  If I have I apologize for the repetitiveness but it just seems like this is always on my mind.

Whenever I express my frustration with not being able to get pregnant, I always get the same answer; when you stop thinking about it, it will happen.  No matter who I talk to, they will say that. 

And as much as I appreciate the sentiment and I know where they are coming from, this is what I think when they say that:

How do I stop thinking about it?

How do I stop crying when Aunt Flo shows up?

How do I stop hoping that I am when Aunt Flo is a day late and then breaking down with the test says not pregnant?

How do I stop wishing, hoping and praying that the minus sign turns into a plus sign twenty minutes after I have taken the test?

How do I stop getting angry at people that tell me how easy it was to conceive the second time?

How do I stop looking at the dates on the calendar and thinking about whether or not I am ovulating?

How do I stop that stab of sadness that hits me right in the stomach when I see a baby belly or a newborn?

How do I stop the feeling of jealously and envy that follows the sadness when I see a baby belly or newborn?

How do I stop the guilt when Maks tells me about his friend’s new siblings?

How do I stop the anger I feel when people tell me that I should really get off my butt and start trying because I am not getting any younger/or that I am selfish/ or that Maks really needs a baby brother or sister?

How do I come to terms with the fact that my kids may be further apart in age that I ever wanted them to be?

How do I come to terms with the fact that I may only ever have one child?

How can I approach a doctor about secondary infertility?

How do I approach my husband about secondary infertility?

How do I stop thinking about it?

How do I stop trying when no matter what I do, see, read, or talk about, my mind is always thinking about having another child?

 How do I do that?

 I don’t know how. 

 Do you?

And here it is!

The highly anticipated post by Millhouse about his version of the events of our anniversary adventure.  For his first ever blog post, I think he did pretty well telling his side of the story.

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This year marked our 3^rd wedding anniversary and I was super excited. Not only did we actually achieve 3 years (total of 8 together), but the wife was planning the whole thing!

You have to understand something, usually I have to plan, pay and execute all aspects of anniversaries such as this one, but not this year…..

 It all started on Saturday evening, with a seemingly simple task of “just follow my directions”. However this could not be farther from the truth! The wife wanted to take my new (old) car, as she had never been for a ride in the BMW yet, and given it was our BIG night out I figured why not. On-route to the water front she informed me that we needed to find the ferry dock. She then explained (after much hesitation) that we where about to embark on a 20 minute guided HELICOPTER tour of the city departing the island airport at 7:30 sharp. Mind you she did tell me while on the high-way doing about 60mph, and I did have a hard time steering as the sweat started down my head combined with that  feeling you get in the pit of our stomach right before you get caught doing something your not supposed to be doing. Well after much searching for parking and numerous reassurances that we will not DIE we found the ferry dock and were off!  Or so we thought.

 No one told us that different ferry’s go to various islands and the ferry to the island airport departs another location 10 minutes (car drive) away. So we paid, boarded and set off towards the airport. About 5 minutes after leaving the main land we noticed the boat traveling away from the airport and heading in the opposite direction all together. Now much to my relief, I realized there was a chance we would miss our departure time and not get to fly. But I could not help but feel bad as I noticed my wife feeling very down as she did try very hard to book something off the wall exciting to mark this special occasion of ours. So when the ferry finally docked (world’s slowest moving floating barge), we frantically set out to find and hire a water taxi. After much searching we found a water taxi. Now to properly describe this character (calling him self a Captain) with a small yellow floating boat I would need to describe “Captain Ron” (Kurt Russell – movie from the 90’s) and a distinct odor smelling like cheap Rum to complete this wonderful equation which is unfolding before our eyes. Now fast forwarding about 10 minutes (skipping the part about almost being thrown from his moving taxi of death) into the future we arrived with 45 seconds to spare at the airport.

After a made dash clear across the airport we arrived at the chopper with 3 ½ seconds to spare and the Pilot shouting at my wife about being on time. The Pilot (who also had the job as flight attendant) gave us our run down about the safety bla-bla-bla most commonly used Bell Ranger Helicopter….basically if we crash….we die….. He was very nice though and helped strap (not buckle) me in to my seat.

My only departing request to him (other then I’m too young to die) was to fly as if I was 80 yrs old with a heart condition. Much to my surprise the flight was very smooth and enjoyable. I’m sure if you ask my wife, she’ll remember it very differently as her hand was aching upon lift off for the duration of the flight until we landed again. The only regret was not allowing the wife to take picture of a grown man crying and praying during flight, however the pictures where off-center and not very clear as she was taking them with 1 hand (advantage me!).

After we reached the main land again it was obvious that if we were going to make our dinner reservations we would have to move fast.  We arrived at the restaurant with 20 minutes to spare and got seated with a very good table (which did surprise me) with an excellent view of the city at night (all the lights did look nice).  As this adventure was a packaged deal the restaurant provided us with a limited pre-fixed menu. The menu would probably not have been a bog deal, if we had never eaten their before but as luck would have it we did. My wife is one of those women whom are very polite until you piss her off and then look out. She got our waiter and demanded the regular dinning menu, and not the 1 page disaster they gave us.

After the menu situation was done we managed to have a lovely meal and desert much to our mutual satisfaction. I would have to say that this past anniversary was the most memorable one yet, and I’m not sure if we’ll be able to top it next year, but we will certainly try!

I love you honey and thank-you for an amazingly planned (or unplanned) adventure around our city.

Guess what?!  I have a guest poster! 

Shocking I know.

Actually I am sleeping with my guest poster.  

Even more shocking I know.

 And no, he is not going to share the torrid details of our affair.  My guest poster is Millhouse!  He is going to share his version of our anniversary excursion. 

He’s been working on it all week and he is going to post it at some point this weekend.

And guys & gals, please be nice he’s a blog virgin and you wouldn’t believe how super excited he was when I asked him to do this.  I also have to shout out Nikki here this whole guest post thing was totally her idea.  I’m not that creative.