Dear Lazy A*s Co – worker

I know that you have nothing to do. I hear you talking on the phone to your friends about everything and anything other than work. Not that I didn’t enjoy hearing the story about how your ding dong got smushed by the toilet lid at the gym yesterday. After sitting beside you for 4 months I have come to know that you have no shame and that you will discuss anything on your phone other than work. As long as you leave me the hell alone, I don’t care.

But no, you have decided that discussing your ding dong isn’t fun anymore, you have to start talking about me. You know I have a heater. The entire frickin office knows I have a heater. I have had a heater for the past five years and everyday for the past 4 months it’s been on. You complaining to everybody but me in front of me about how hot you are shows me the caliber of person you are.

If you have an issue with me, address it with me.

Kindest Regards,
Me

P.S. Maybe if you lost some weight, my heater wouldn’t bother you so much. I’m just saying.

Maks turns 2 in 3 weeks. 

ACK!!!  Where did my baby go?!  To me that is just shocking.  He’s going to be 2 years old!  I can’t believe how fast time has flown by. 

So I am in the middle of party planning.  And because this is a party for Maks not for me that means that I have to embrace my inner Mater, as much as it kills me.  For those of you that don’t know – Mater is the tow truck from Disney’s Cars.  I have seen the movie close to a 100 times and have most of it memorized.  I have even gone so far as to hide the DVD so Maks can’t watch it.  I wasn’t trying to be mean or anything but if I watched that movie one more time, I swear my brain would explode.  But since Maks loves him, I am going to do this for him.  Hear that sonny boy – mommy is subjecting herself to Mater because she loves you more than anything even chocolate. 

He is going to be the theme of the party.  He is going to be everywhere; on the plates, cups, on the piñata, cake and goodie bags.  But he is really hard to find.  You can find Lightening McQueen (the red racecar) all over the place but finding Mater is damn near impossible.  So if anyone knows where I can get some cheap mater things that will deliver to Canada please let me know.  Otherwise I am just going to cut out a bunch of pictures of Mater and start sticking them on things. 

Yesterday at soca-cize I was shocked to find out that after marriage women apparently lose their eye sight.  This chickie (I have no idea what her name was, she never told me that information) came up to me and started a conversation. 

Now, according to Beanz and Millhouse I am the most anti – social person you will ever meet.  But I really I am just shy.  Meeting new people freaks me out so I tend to stay in the background saying very little.  Some people think that makes me stuck up and rude but I’m not really.  If you take the time to know me, I really am a nice person. 

So anyway this girlie starts talking to me about everything from her heritage to marriage to shoes to other very random things.  (I am really not sure how she had the energy to keep talking to me and I was rationing out my oxygen because the instructor was trying to kill me.)  So then she gets on the topic of her age and men.  She is 29 and she is not pleased with guys over 30.  She likes her men younger.  So then I mentioned to her that I didn’t really find younger men attractive, there was something about the older guys that appealed to me more.  (Keep in mind Millhouse is younger than me but he doesn’t look or act it)  So then she asks if my boyfriend is the same age as me.  When I told her that my boyfriend (I don’t wear my wedding ring very often because Maks likes to try and pull it off and Millhouse would kill me if I ever lost it) is actually my husband, her jaw hit the floor.

She couldn’t believe that me, a married chick, checked out guys that weren’t my husband.  Now let’s clarify something here before this post gets too complicated.  I don’t actively go out to ogle men.  But as I told her, I am not blind either.  If an attractive guy happens to be front of me, yes I will look at him and maybe even mutter ‘damn’.  But that doesn’t mean that I don’t love my husband or anything and just for the record Millhouse does the same thing.  It would really tick me off if he slipped on his wedding ring and all of a sudden decided that every other female on the planet was a hag. 

Beautiful people exist; it’s OK to look every once in awhile.

That’s not me.

In fact I think that I have earned me some demerit points.  On Saturday we went to the zoo.  It was a really hot day and we decided to take advantage of the nice weather and spend the entire day outdoors.  Now because I am a good mommy I slathered Maks in sun block when we got to zoo and plopped his baseball cap on him.  And away we went.  We spent about 4 hours at the zoo.  That’s four hours in the sunshine walking around.  We really didn’t stop to rest at all.  Part way through our trip Maks fell asleep.  So I plunked him into the stroller, pulled his baseball cap over his eyes and continued checking out the animals. 

It wasn’t until we got home that I noticed that Maks looked a little bit red.  I asked Millhouse about it and he said that he had a sunburn.  Now I have never had a sunburn.  I don’t burn when I am in the sun so my knowledge of burning comes mostly from magazines and Millhouse.  I figured that sun block and a hat would be good enough for Maks but apparently it wasn’t.  Millhouse (a chronic burner) was not impressed with me.  Our first born was burnt and it was all my fault.  Talk about making me feel like a lousy mom. 

But the story gets better.

On Monday when I dropped Maks to the daycare I explained that he had a slight sunburn and asked that they make sure that he wore his hat and sun block when he went outside to play.  And they did.  When I picked Maks up from daycare his face was all puffed out and red.  I recognized what was going on immediately.  (Now here’s some background into me; I don’t burn in the sun but when I was younger (under 10 years old) I was allergic to the sun.  I would break out in hives if I stayed outside for long periods of time.  I eventually out grew this and now I can sit in the sun for hours with my skin fully exposed and be fine.)  So when I saw Maks face and arms I recognized what was going on.  He wasn’t sun burnt he was allergic to his sun block.  So now I am on a mission to find hypoallergenic sun block before the warm weather really hits. 

A little while ago Maks started sleeping in a day bed.  We converted his crib and he was sleeping in a big boy bed.  He loves his bed.  He plays in it all the time.  He loved to sleep in it.  When I put him to sleep he would hang out in his bed until he was tired and then he would fall asleep.

Up until yesterday anyway.

Last night he discovered that he could open the door to his room and wander out after I had put him to bed.  Now he has been opening his door for a while now.  He has no issues with coming in and out of rooms with closed doors.  In fact when he wants some privacy or to hide the candy that he has just discovered he will go into his room and shut the door.  But I think he didn’t fully realize that once I left the room at bedtime that the door could be opened.  He found that out last night.

After I put him to bed, he got up and wandered over to the door.  It looked like he was just playing in his room but then he turned the handle and ran out.  I was watching him from our bedroom so I saw him bolt and I caught him before he could make it down the stairs.  I put him back to bed but by this time it was too late.  He figured that this is the best game ever and he tried to escape his room two more times before he finally fell asleep.

I think that we should get a baby gate and put it up in Maks’ doorway.  That way if he does open his door in the middle of the night he can’t go exploring.  But Millhouse doesn’t like that idea.  He thinks that Maks will scale the gate especially since he’s done it before.  (Remember this is the kid that scaled his crib when he was seven months old and collided with the floor at 3am.  He is not one for enclosed spaces.)  I am so not looking forward to tonight.  I have a feeling that there is going to be a lot of running and bedroom door stakeouts from now on. 

It’s raining and not the fun kind of rain where it is warm and you can go jumping around in puddles.  It is really cold rain, with gale force winds that are strong enough to swoop up leprechauns and send them flying, I swear.  I am indoors but I am not all cozy in my bed with a blanket pulled over my head.  Nope, I am at work.  And this environment fosters the best kind of random thoughts.  When you’re done basking the madness that is my mind on a rainy day, head over to the Un Mom I think there are zombies over there.  If not, she is sure to have booze.

After spending a day at the zoo on a really hot day, toddlers come home sticky, cranky and smelling like a monkey. 

Strollers and lollipops are the greatest inventions known to man.  Stick a restless or tired child in a stroller bribe them with give them a lollipop and meltdowns are averted.  In a pinch popsicles work just as well.

There is something slightly nauseating about chocolate covered bacon.  I like them both separately but I don’t think that I would be able to stomach them together.

Look at all the havoc a pig is causing.  It’s not really the pigs fault but a lot of people are blaming it for something that it has no control over.  People listen to me it is not the pigs fault.  It’s a respiratory influenza that needs a better name.

The insides of all my coffee mugs have been stained a taupe colour.  Apparently my tea stains worse than Millhouse’s coffee.

My left eye has been twitching since about 1pm.  I called my mother to find out if this is the sign of some kind of impending doom.  And it is.  According to my mother something bad is about to happen and since my eye hasn’t really stopped twitching since 1 that means its going to be a doozy.

So on that note, I bid adieu to RTT. 

This week’s spin cycle over at Sprite’s keeper is all about mistakes.  Now because I am a perfect human being and I have ever made a mistake in my life I can’t participate. 

WHATEVER!! 

When I saw this week’s topic, I had to read over the rules for the spin cycle.  I had to make sure that there was no word, or entry limit, because if you wanna talk mistakes, I can talk mistakes.  I have made about 36 billion over them over my life time so far and I can almost pretty much guarantee that I will probably make another 59 billion before I die. 

Do I have regrets? 

Not so much.  I can admit that I’ve made some mistakes.  And I have learned from my mistakes and hopefully my ginkgo works and I won’t ever repeat them again.

Here are some of more memorable mistakes.

Buying a car for cash from an auction without knowing the history of it or having a mechanic look it over before handing over my money. 

Yeah, see I did this twice actually, wait make that three times.  But this one had a snowball effect.  I went to an auto auction with my dad when I was 17.  I had $1500 that I had saved from my part time job and a brand new license.  So I HAD to get a car.  I just had to.  So I picked the first car that we saw, a 1988 white Mercury Topaz with over 100, 000 kms on it and bought it on the spot.  My dad (God love him) tried to talk me out of it but I wanted it and I was going to get it.  And get it I did.  The car blew up less than a year later.  So because by that point I was in university and I needed a car, I ran out and bought another one from an auction.  It was a 1990 blue Pontiac Tempo.  That blew up 1.5 years later.  In the middle of winter.  So I ended up getting a white 1989 Nissan Sentra from a mechanic ‘friend’ of my dad.  That car didn’t blow up it just stopped working one day.  But what I learned from all that  was – buy your car from a reputable dealership and make sure it is not older than you are. 

Thinking that wasabi was salad and shoving a big heaping spoonful into my mouth.

Picture it – business lunch at a very snazzy restaurant, me at the table surrounded by a whole bunch of the higher ups, feeling very uncomfortable and wishing that it would all end very quickly.  Here comes a sushi boat and individual bowls of what I thought was seaweed salad.  It wasn’t.  It was a lovely dish filled with wasabi.  I don’t know if it was nerves, me not paying attention or a combination of the two but for some reason I took a big spoonful of the wasabi and stuck it in my mouth.  It felt as it I had swallowed boiled bleach.  My eyes were watering; my sinuses were clear and for a second I couldn’t breathe.  I managed to get to my water glass and drank it all.  But it was an experience that I would never forget.  My moral of that mistake – taste a small bit of something that you’ve never had before or better yet ask before eating it.  Your sinuses will thank you.

There are so many more that I can go on about; buying banana yellow Capri pants, wearing brand new shoes to a club, thinking that tequila and pickles are a good combination and the list goes on and on.  But in an attempt not to embarrass myself too much I will stop here.   

Back when Stinky was about 2 years old Beanz and I started spelling out words when she was in our presence.  It was mostly things like D.o.r.a, c.o.o.k.i.e. or c.a.k.e.  She knew that we were talking about something highly classified and pertinent to her but she had no idea exactly what was going on.  And it worked great.  When she learned her alphabet she even started to get tricky with us.  She would walk up to us when we were having a coded conversation, look right at us and say:  XXYUTGHN.  Then she would smirk and walk away.  She was letting us in on her secret and we had no idea what she was talking about.  Pay back of sorts.  But to be completely honest I don’t think she really knew what she was telling us, she just liked joining in on the spelling.

Now she is in grade one and she can spell.  The coded conversations that we used to have no longer work, we could be in deep conversation about D.i.s.n.e.y.l.a.n.d and she will pipe up wanting to know why we are talking about Disneyland and when we are going to go.  (For the record we are not going to go anytime soon but we are planning on going sometime this century)  Spelling no longer works.  We need to find a new way to communicate.  I am not sure how yet, because I think Stinky is now smarter than Beanz and I combined when it comes to this coded spy speak. 

And she is only six! 

I have a feeling when she’s sixteen and she is on the phone with her friends about the super hot guy in her biology class we are going to think that she is talking about algebra.  Yeah, she’s that good. 

Because I am so bored out of my skull comfortably busy at work I decided to check this out.  It is a height predictor and I am now able to use it to figure out how tall Maks is going to be.  Apparently when your kids turn two you there is some sort of mathematical formula that you can use to figure out their height at 18.  Since I suck at math and I would take a really long time to figure out his height using my brain, I used the internet.  That’s what its there for, right?  All I have to do is plug in the numbers.  Besides, I mean come on I am at work, I can’t be expected to use my brain or anything.  Geez!

Now I am short.  I am munchkin kinda short and with my weight I resemble the Pillsbury dough boy only with longer hair.  I was the kid that was always at the front of the line when you lined up for class pictures.  In every single grade I was the shortest kid.  And towards the end of elementary school, I was also the pudgiest.  Oh, and I had no athletic capabilities whatsoever.  That was fun.  Fate loved picking on me for some reason. 

But back to the calculator, Millhouse is tall so there is a chance that Millhouse will not be short.  So given that I had all this free time I plugged in all the details and waited to find out what my future looked like.  It turns out that Maks will be between 6 foot 4 and 6 foot 6 when he is 18.

Holy Sugar!!!

That’s freaking huge!!  I was expecting him to be around 6 feet nothing much taller than that.  But 6 foot 6 inches!!  The kid eats the refrigerator empty now.  What am I going to do when he is 18, 6 feet tall and is starving?  I may have to buy a cow to keep him fed.

Yikes!

I did Stinky’s too.  She’s gonna be 6 feet.  Haha Beanz she’s going to dwarf you!!

OK, I am not badder than ever.  I am pretty much the same.  But I did miss my blog.  I am glad that I have it back and I can stop looking up things like the best fat burner and pour my heart out for all of you to see.  (In case you were wondering grapefruit is a crazy fat burner). 

Nothing is really going on right now though.  Work has me stressed.  We laid off another person today.  I guess it is good sign that we are not having mass lay offs anymore, just individuals being let go.  But it is still a very scary thing.  I really wish that all these changes would stop.  I want things to go back to being boring.