I forgot to do this on Tuesday.  But in my life the randomness is everyday. 

So here goes:

©       Why is that whenever I wear a really nice work appropriate shirt into the office I drop food on in within 30 seconds of my arrival but when I wear a crappy shirt it stays clean all day long?  This morning I am wearing a very pretty mauve turtleneck that I managed to get oatmeal on before 9am.

©       Somebody’s oatmeal is forever boiling over in the microwave but they never clean it up.  I am always finding the microwave covered in dried up oatmeal and it is disgusting.  Clean up your mess people!!

©       I hate oatmeal as a kid now I eat it everyday.  Weird.

©       As a kid I loved Flakies, I haven’t had one since university.  Even weirder.

©       My windshield washer fluid always seems to run out during a snowstorm.  I know this yet I never remember to fill up my reservoir before the storm hits.  I may be a glutton for punishment.

©       I am out of windshield wash right now and I have been throwing snow on my windshield to compensate until I can get to a gas station.  Mind you I passed three gas stations on my way to work and haven’t stopped yet.  Definitely a glutton for punishment.

©       Who killed the music?  Maybe I am getting old but I am finding it harder and harder to find good music on the radio.

©       I don’t get the Bachelor.  Do these women really think that they are going on the show to meet their soul mate?  Even worse is a Shot at Love.  Really, are you serious???  This is TV.

©       Why is it easier to get pregnant accidentally than on purpose?

©       If our break room had a self serve ice cream machine that would be great.

Just an FYI –

I am not going to dedicate this blog to the postman series. But I have just gotten into the habit of making my rants into letters as of late. Since I have a very short attention span and virtually no short term memory, these letters make it easier for me to rant without forgetting what the heck I was ranting about in the first place. It limits my rambling and allows me to actually categorize my randomness, which is a miracle onto itself. I do return to my “normal” format when I’m not ranting. But since I have been a miserable bitch as of late, there have been more letters that usual.

Dear Slacker Maintenance Guys

That white stuff that is falling from the sky is called snow. The slippery clear stuff that lines the walkways in the winter is called ice. When the snow falls on the ice, it makes it very difficult to see.

It would be greatly appreciated if you could put salt, or sand or something on the walkways so that when I am coming in and out with my lunch bag, purse, baby bag and my travel mug of tea I don’t fall on my butt making a big mess and bruising my tailbone in the process.

I understand that as a means of saving costs you are not being as liberal with the de-icer as you have been in previous years but there is a difference between reducing and not using any at all.

Also, I did get your email about wearing appropriate footwear and how that would prevent mishaps on the snow and ice and I can assure you that my soccer cleat studded flat boots are appropriate. However, they are not miracle workers that will stop me from falling if the walkway has a foot of snow sitting on top of a thick sheet of ice.

Your time on this matter is greatly appreciated.

Kind Regards,
Bruised Butt

P.S. I drive a car. So does just about everyone else here. It would be great if you would clear the parking lot every once in a while. It would be awesome if more than three cars could park in a lot designed to comfortably fit 15. Especially since it means that I have to skate across the ice towards the door while praying that a car doesn’t lose control and hit me. Or that I slip under a car that is perched precariously on a snow bank.

Dear My Slacker Self

GET YOUR ASS BACK TO WORK!!!

Your boss just busted you for not having a report done that he asked you to have done three weeks ago.

GET OFF THE INTERNET AND PAY ATTENTION.

You need the paycheck.

Kind Regards,
Your sensible self

Dear Starer at the photocopy machine

I am having an A and B conversation, C your way out of it. What I am discussing with my friend is none of your business. Stop staring at us as we talk hoping to interject and receive some sort of invitation to join us. This is none of your business.

I don’t appreciate you looking over here with some sort of conversation longing in your eyes. We are all here to work. No one wants to be here. The only reason we stay is for the paycheck. The small pleasures that we get from conversing with someone that we could get along with should not be ruined by your whining or attempt at butting it.

Kind Regards,
Chatty

*I am about to let you into my psyche.  Don’t be afraid.  You may find it entertaining.*

I don’t think that my craziness is demonstrated very accurately with this blog.  I think with this blog I come across as somewhat, kinda, sorta, a little bit normal.  I have the regular new mom anxiousness and concerns, I have the wifey dilemmas, employee rants, the big sister blues and auntie issues but those things all make me look pretty normal.  Dontcha think??

Boy do I have y’all fooled!!

I work with charts and graphs all day long and these mathematical lovelies have made their way into my everyday life.  It’s gotten so bad that I had excel spreadsheets and power point presentations for my wedding party and Millhouse when I was planning our wedding.  Don’t believe me just ask Beanz.  When I was pregnant I had excel spreadsheets that tracked my weight gain, tummy growth, baby movements and all other sorts of things.  When Maks was a baby I kept track of what he ate, when he ate, when I changed him, etc.  I am the kind of crazy where you – give me a monumental occasion and I can make a spreadsheet and pie chart for it. 

Now that requires medication.

So given my affection for graphs and charts I shouldn’t be surprised that I have turned my baby envy into a chart.  I don’t hide the fact that I would like to have another child.  I have been experiencing some serious internal conflict about whether or not I am mentally and emotionally ready to have another baby.  But I think that I am.  Mind you I am not sure when this or even if this is going to happen, but I would like it to.  So since I am in a place of inner turmoil I have turned to one of the things that truly comfort me – a graph and worked out my baby envy (the other is cake and I can’t have any so I had no choice but to turn to excel). 

Now for this issue I didn’t make any graphs with funky colours, like I normally do.  Instead I created a pivot table.  I worked out possible conception dates with potential due dates and used the daycare fees charge table and combined them.  Then I multiplied the charges by two.  Then I calculated how much I would make annually if my company does implement the salary freeze that they’ve been threatening and applied it to the previous calculation.  This way I was able to find out how much it would cost to have two kids in daycare while working where I work now.

It’s damn expensive. 

That’s the end of that dream.  Once again my baby envy is on the back burner simmering away.

OK I’m not.  But my GPS did say that once.  I wasn’t actually in a lake, my GPS just didn’t know where I was so it showed me driving over the water.  That’s not the point of this post.  I am not sure what the point of this post is.  I am in a funk and I don’t know why.

I am not sure why I’m in this mood.  It may be because I am PMS-ing and really want something sweet but I can’t have it.  I have decided that I am going to lose 50 pounds in the next 7 months.  So I am going to get serious about what I eat but I really, really, really  want cake.  A slice of black forest cake, no scratch that a slice of black forest cheesecake from Juniors, no scratch that a slice of chocolate mousse cheesecake from Juniors.  That is what I want and the orange that I just had for dessert isn’t cutting it.

Or maybe it’s the weather that has me in this mood.  But I can’t really blame the weather.  I mean come on – I have lived in Canada for over twenty years so I should be used to the snow, slush, cold and wind chills but I’m not.  I still detest the winter.  I detest it so much that I have actually looked into moving away to someplace warm.  I even looked up moving pods.  That’s pretty bad.

I apologize for this crappy post.  I really wish I could write something witty and informative but right now it feels like I’ve hit a brick wall and I’m stuck.  Thanks for making it this far.  I promise the next post won’t be this bad.

On February 1st it will be my 5 year anniversary with this company. Unfortunately due to cost cuts we aren’t going to celebrate it. All internal spending has been suspended unless it is absolutely necessary. So I get nada.

Now I know that I should be grateful cause I still have a job and stuff but I am bit disappointed. I mean I don’t get to pick out a gift from the 5 year catalogue. They are not expensive or fancy or anything. You have your choice of a glow in the dark globe (Beanz wants that one. She has a fixation on globes even though she uses google when she is looking up countries) or a Lego ship (its 3500 pieces of Lego fun) or even an agenda with my name embossed in it. I get nothing, not even a cake.

::sigh::

Way to make me feel appreciated.

I got Maks’ midterm report card from the daycare this morning.  (Yes, he gets a report card at 20 months old.  He actually got his first one at 13 months old.  He’s not graded or anything; it just measures his progress through major milestones.) 

It was nowhere as bad as I expected.  I really expected something along the lines of:

“Your child is a hellion and a tyrant who is peeing on our staff and stealing cookies and sippy cups from the other toddlers.  Your have 30 seconds to remove him and yourself from our premises or else we will be forced to pelt the used diapers from the infant rooms at you.”

OK, I didn’t think that they would call him a hellion but I was expecting them to tell me that he was a holy terror and that he would give me a lot of grey hair in the weeks, months, years to come.  But they didn’t.

Apparently Maks is doing really well.  He’s intelligent, independent, takes initiative, creative and loving.  So I was pleased.

But it wasn’t all ice cream and lollipops.  They did say that he isn’t doing well with sharing bit.  And that’s not a big surprise to me.  He does have issues with sharing but it is not the toy sharing that’s the problem it’s the people sharing.  When he snatches a toy, it’s not because he wants the toy but because he want the person playing with the toy.  So we are going to have to work on that.

The other thing that they flagged as needs improvement is his speech.  He is not progressing as well as they would like.  Apparently (at his age) he should be saying at least five words correctly and he’s not.  Now, my child is not a mute.  He blabbers on all the time (I am his mother you know) but he blabbers on in babynese*.  He does throw in some regular words but they are tinged with babynese and at times it is hard to decipher what he is saying.  So we have to work on getting him to correctly pronounce his words and move away from the baby talk.

Other than that, he is doing well and I am so relieved.  I wasn’t sure what to expect from the daycare but things seem to be working out well.  

*Babynese is what I call toddler talk.  It is the combination of toddler speak with grown up speak.  So instead of saying apple juice he says a pole gee or instead of Stinky he says inkeeeee, that kind of thing.