Today’s post can be credited to Stinky and her Wimpy Kid “Do it yourself” book.  Beanz got her the book to keep her entertained in between her swimming lessons, karate lessons, day camp and dance class.  Personally I think that Beanz wanted to exhaust Stinky over her summer holiday so that when school rolled back around Stinky would be grateful for the time to rest and do homework.  In theory, I see this working but Beanz failed to take into consideration that Stinky is inexhaustible.  The child could run a marathon and still have enough energy to climb a mountain after.  I have been trying for years to find some way to harness her energy to power my car.  I haven’t figured it out yet.  When I do I’ll let you know. 

Anyway moving on.  The book.  It is a write your own book kind of thing and I found it hilarious.  So I am “borrowing” some of the questions and using them as my random thoughts.  Why?  Because the questions are truly random and I never would have been smart enough to come up with them on my own.

I officially predict that 20 years from now cars will run on cream soda instead of gas.

A cheeseburger will cost $9800.00 because cows will be an endangered species.  Squirrel burgers will be readily available and affordable though.

A ticket to the movies will cost $o.20 because everyone will be watching movies on the internet instead.

Underwear will be made out of corn silk and it will be recycled after every use.

MTV will no longer exist as an entertainment channel.  It will be considered political television.

A guidette named Snooki will be president.  And the fist pump will the official greeting.

There will be more chia pets than people.

Aliens will visit our planet in the year 2036 and make the following announcement:

People of Earth we come in peace.  We are here to let you know that Twinkies were placed here long ago as a surveillence tool and were never meant to be eaten.  Please do not eat anymore Twinkies.

I’m all done now.  Head over to Keely’s for some non – wimpy kid randomness.

It’s hot; like I am melting kind of hot, like I may pass out if I don’t stay hydrated kind of hot, like my boobs and back of my knees are sweating, that kind of hot.  You know the kind of hot I am talking about, right? 

So today is the day when run on sentences and comma splices are OK and I intend to use them as much as possible.  Let the randomness begin! 

I was off for 10 days.  Now that I am back you would swear that I was off for 100 days.  And my boss is off.  And he didn’t leave me any details about what is pending and what is not.  And it is end of the month.  And I am drowning slowly.  I need another holiday. 

To the inventors of popsicles, iced drinks, and slushies, I LOVE YOU!!  Without you I would be melted under my desk.  Because it case you missed it, IT’S HOT! 

People have been ticking me off lately.  I am not sure if it is the heat, or because I am pregnant during a heat wave or because people are stupid.  I tend to gravitate towards the latter option though. 

Maks saw the Karate Kid and The Last Airbender and now he wants to learn kung fu and be a ninja.  I really have no problem with this.  I just have to move all low level vases and breakables, unless I want them broken. 

The World Cup has disappointed me this time around.  The favourites played like crap and referees just plain suck.  I will wait for 2014 for the next cup and hope that it is better than this one. 

That’s all I am going to get a popsicle now and refrain from yelling at anyone.

If you’re not too hot head over to Keely’s, there is a dead squirrel on her windsheild that you can gawk at.

It’s Tuesday!!  So I am going to let the randomness roll. 

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Apparently randomness is a word, according to my spell check anyway.  According to the dictionary it does not exist.  

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Thanks to Tru, I now know about this (http://www.crumbs.com/cupcakes).  I never knew that these kinds of cupcakes even existed before.  But now that I know that they do, I want them.  I am trying to find a way to get them to send me some in Canada at an affordable price.  Either that or I am taking a day trip to New York City.  And by day trip I mean I will drive 24 hours straight to get them. 

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The World Cup has started.  I love the world cup.  This year as with most years my money is on Brasil.  But as it stands right now, all the under dogs are pulling out upsets.  So if this trend continues Cameroon or North Korea is going to win the cup. 

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I have rediscovered frozen treats.  As if late I am loving popsicles.  But I have a feeling that all my frozen sugar consumption is not good for the baby so I may have to stop eating the only things I really want to eat until the baby gets here. 

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Thoughts on the name Mathias.  Is it too old fashioned?  How about the name Michael.  Is it too common?  Let me know what you think.

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*P.S.  from my title you can guess that this way supposed to be published on Tuesday but I got lazy.

As with everything in my life, as of late, my list of pet peeves is growing.  I don’t blame my hormones though.  I blame the increasing number of people that are suffering from incurable stupidity that I find around me.  So for my random thoughts I have compiled a list of the most annoying things that people do.  This is in no particular order.  It is just how I encounter them on a daily basis.

1. Can’t stand it when someone slurps their coffee and then says “ahhhhhhh”.  This is a two pronged peeve.  First part:  why is the slurping necessary?  If it is too hot to drink quietly then let the coffee cool down then consume.  Second part:  why is the ‘ahhhhh’ necessary?  I am not a doctor.  I don’t need to see your tonsils.  Drink your coffee quietly without the play by play about its deliciousness.  I had a boss that did that for the first 5 slurps of every cup of coffee that he drank.  It annoyed the hell out of me then and it annoys the hell out of me now.
2. People who brag about how much money they have but when it comes time to pay for dinner or buy a present, they are broke.  Shut the heck up about how much you have if you are going to claim poverty when the bill shows up.  I don’t hang out with people based on their paycheck; I hang out with people based on their personality.  If your personality is determined by your paycheck then I really don’t want to hang out with you.
3. Snifflers.  Get a Kleenex and blow your nose.  If there are no Kleenex readily available go to the bathroom and get some toilet paper.  I don’t need to hear you desperately attempt to suck boogies back up into your nose.
4. The death of the “you’re welcome”.  When someone says “thank you” the proper response is “you’re welcome” not “no problem”.  It’s not just one that bothers me, it is the death of proper words, spelling and grammar that gets to me.  “Thx” and “NP” are acceptable in texts but not in actual professional emails and correspondence.  Words in their entirety should be used every now and then or else vowels will die.
5. Prissy Princesses who are pushing 40.  An eight year old that thinks that they are a princess is adorable.  A 40 year old that acts like a princess it is sad.

That’s all for now.  I am cranky today.  Head over to the Un Mom’s, she knows random.

Its Tuesday y’all!!  You know what that means?!  No really, do you know what that means?  I don’t know that means.  But here comes some randomness anyway.  Be sure to head over to the Un Mom’s she has a turtle on a roomba.

 ***

A coworker spent a good part of my lunch hour telling me about how she was a racist and very upset because her nephew was dating someone that was not her race.  When she was done ranting I reminded her that I was in an interracial marriage and that my child was of mixed race.  Then I told her it was best that we didn’t talk anymore.  This is why my company is in such a dire condition, HR hired idiots.

 ***

When I am bored I send Beanz emails like this:

You stink.

You smell like cheese.

I think you should stop bathing in cheese.

Run!!  Save yourself!!  The caterpillars are coming!!

Ssssshhhhh!  Be quiet.

Can you hear me chewing?

 She’s no fun though because she never responds.  I think it has to do with her being busy at work or something.

 ***

I got a hair cut.  My hair is now really short, like Halle Berry short.  When Stinky saw it she called me a boy, Millhouse had an asthma attack and my boss screamed.  Not quite the responses I was looking for but it is a change.

 ***

I am in the middle of planning a garage sale.  Apparently these things are more complicated than I thought.  There are signs to be made, junk stuff collectables to be priced, tables to be set up and children to be distracted.  My whole plan was to clean out my crawl space but I think next time I will just let the stuff sit.  This is a lot of work.

 ***

It’s May!!  Happy Spring!!

I haven’t done one of these in awhile.  I am not sure if the randomness is the still there ready for the writing.  But I will give it a go.  But if you want some hard core randomness you should head over to the Un Mom’s she’s good at random in fact I think she invented it. 

 **

Picture it: 

1:30am

The sound of little feet running down the hall, passing the bathroom and scampering along

Then silence for about three minutes

Then…….

The sound of Buzz Lightyear saying:  “To Infinity & beyond!” 

Yeah, I found my child in the spare bedroom at 1:30am playing with his Buzz Lightyear.

**

Yesterday was face paint day at the daycare.  When I picked Maks up he came running up to me all painted with his friend Patrick.  They were both bunnies. 

Maks ran up and said “mommy, look I’m a bunny!  Hop, hop, hop!” 

Patrick said “Mommy*, I’m a donkey!  Hee haw, hee haw!!”  

I busted out laughing.  His impression was dead on.  That kid is going to be a great prop comedian some day!

*In the world of daycare we are all mommies and daddies.  No one really has a name.

**

My new car has a sunroof.  It scares me.  I have visions of me driving along on a really sunny day with the sunroof open all the way, sunglasses on, radio playing loudly, and all of a sudden a bird poops through my sunroof and it lands on me. 

I know that the odds of this happening are slim but I am still certain that if I open my sunroof all the way, my fate will be sealed.

**

According to HR my boobies have been violating dress code.  I don’t think that the girls are too out there but apparently somebody has been complaining about them.  I am going to try even harder to keep them under wraps but if they keep growing like they do, I will have to wear sweat shirts to work. 

Not that wearing sweatshirts to work is a bad thing.  I would gladly wear sweatshirts if I could wear sweat pants too.

**

File this one under conversations I never thought I would have.

 Stinky:  Auntie, I need a paper towel please.

Me:  OK, why?

Stinky:  Maks foot is in my ice cream.

Me:  I’ll bring the roll

**

 That’s it for me today.  Thanks for stopping by!

*sniff, sniff* 

You smell that? 

That scent of poutine mixed with baby powder and tuna sandwiches. 

It smells like Tuesday! 

You know what that means, the randomness shall run free. 

First I am going to go off on my temp.  Seriously people he is testing me.  On most days I really do expect Ashton to jump out and tell me I’ve been punked.  He doesn’t though.  Today my temp decided that it was appropriate to wave me out of training to tell me that I looked tired.  There was nothing business related in his interruption, he just wanted to let me know that I looked tired.  

Yeah. 

See now I can honestly say that I am glad that I never got into HR because from my experiences with this temp it is obvious that I fall for the lies that people put on resumes and I would pass up a bazillion qualified individuals and only hire idiots.  I can’t wait for the end of the month. 

Moving on from my temp now to a TMI observation. 

I have realized that when I get really cold, I start to sweat.  This doesn’t make sense because isn’t sweating the body’s way of cooling itself down?  So in theory if I am freezing I should not need cooling down, correct?  But my body doesn’t see it that way. 

Moving on from my arm pits now. 

Have you ever noticed that there are not enough pickles on hamburgers anymore?  Even at Harvey’s where you tell them how many pickles to put on, they never put on enough.  And don’t think about asking for extra pickles.  You get all kinds of stink eye when you do that.  You are just expected to eat your pickle deficient burger in silence.  But I am on the look out, they are probably going to start skimping on the ketchup next.  

OK now that I have discussed my temp, underarms and hamburgers I am letting you run free.  Go check out Keely but take some Kleenex, she’s not feeling too good.

I’m baaaaaaaack!  OK, I never really went anywhere but I haven’t been able to participate in RTT in awhile so now I am going to make up for in.  Bask in my randomness people!  

I have a temp and he is driving me crazy.  He eavesdrops on my phone conversations and doesn’t even try to hide it.  I will be talking on the phone and as soon as I am off he will jump up and ask me questions about my conversation.  I find this rude and irritating.  And he doesn’t only do it to me.  He does it to just about any conversation he is within ear shot of.  People are giving me dirty looks because I hired nosy. I am started to think that stressed out and overworked is better than this guy.  

On a side note, I guess this is proof that I don’t interview people very well. 

Enough about the temp now on my kick ass niece.           

Literally.  

She can kick your ass.  

She is now in Tae Kwan Do which means that she is well on her way to becoming a princess version of a weapon of mass destruction.  

Beanz managed to find the only Caribbean run Tae Kwan Do studio in all of Canada so all the teachers have island accents and black belts.  That is such an interesting combination to me. 

Tweet Tweet 

My mobile twitter is broken.  I can’t read people 140 character ramblings off my phone anymore and I miss it.  I am out of the loop people, and I don’t like it!! 

Now back to work with you.  Don’t deny it I know you read blogs at work.  Well at least I know, I read blogs at work and I can’t be the only one.  But before you actually start working check out Keely at the Un Mom.

I haven’t been having the best couple of weeks lately.  But instead of boring you with my disappointment of lack of ninjas readily available to sic on certain people that have been annoying me lately, I figured I would get ‘festive’ instead.  

Christmas is a couple weeks away.  For the first time in a long time I don’t have my shopping done.  I have a feeling that I am going to have to brave the mall later in the month and that really and truly frightens me. 

I think that I am addicted to Gingerbread lattes.  Correction, I have an addiction to Gingerbread anything.  I love this time of year because I can eat gingerbread in excess and not be judged. 

I don’t get egg nog.  Is it raw eggs that you are drinking?  Or are they cooked so you are drinking scrambled eggs?  Neither of those pictures appeals to me.  Unless of course there is dark rum involved then I all happy ho ho for that one. 

Christmas to me is chocolate martinis.  This is a tradition that Millhouse’s grandparents started.  Instead of having egg nog or hot chocolate at their Christmas party the drink of choice is the humble chocolate martini, a whole lot of them.  They give them out in these tiny little shot glasses and the first time I saw them I wondered why they were being so stingy.  But after the first three I found out why they gave them out in the little glasses, those suckers are potent and will knock you on your tail if you’re not careful.    

That’s all the merriment that I can muster for now.  But head over to the Un Mom’s I think she’s got some happy ho ho for you.

I haven’t done these in awhile and I didn’t want y’all thinking that I had stopped complaining or anything crazy like that.  

So here you go: 

I have three emails.  Each of them designated for a specific customer.  For example for client A my email is Meli at client A dot com.  For client B it is Meli at client B dot com.  Makes sense, right?  When someone looks me up on the client directory they see my emails and see that I have requested that only emails pertaining to specific clients be sent to specific emails.  Do people do that?  Not on your life.  I get emails about client C in Client A’s email address and so on and because I can’t transfer them between accounts (systems won’t let me) there they sit.  This really screws me up.  My clients are in the same field, have similar names and similar emails so the possibility of something going to someone that it shouldn’t go to is high, which wouldn’t be so terribly bad if they weren’t competitors!  So even though they may like to see the rates that I am giving the other person, if they do I’ll get fired!  But people just don’t get that. 

My new position means that I wear high heels more often; no this is not a rant about my feet, it’s a Twilight rant.  Because of my new found height, I can see over the top of the cubicles and see what people are doing on their computers.  Now I nothing negative to say about about slacking off or reading blogs or anything.  I do that all the freaking time and if I didn’t I swear I would go insane.  But what does get me is all those grown women who go on the Twilight fan sites to ogle Edward.  That is not cougarish, it is odd.  And I still don’t see how people can find someone who tries to force his girlfriend to have an abortion, who is controlling, manipulative, deceptive and sparkles can be considered romantic.  But I digress. 

I can’t stand it when someone sends me an email and then calls be 2 seconds later to ask if I have read it, processed it and have my comments ready.  No!!  Give me some freaking time! 

Gap has curvy jeans.  Love it!  I would love it even more though if they had sizes bigger than an 8.  I can wiggle into an 8 now but it would be nice to find a bigger size. 

That is all for now.  I gotta get back to work.