To the person I used to know,
What happened to you? Where did the person who I trusted more than anyone else go? Where is the person who I would turn to first, in good times and in bad times, disappear to? You have made it obvious that person doesn’t exist anymore. You’ve made it obvious the person I thought you were never existed at all. You used me. You always looked down on me but was content as long as I could give you everything I had. And now that I am standing up for myself, you decided to offload your anger on me. To break me down for some sort of perverse pleasure. I don’t know why you would want me to crumble. Why you would want me to fall apart but you are taking great pleasure in ensuring whatever happiness I have ever had dissipates.
I believe you know why our relationship fell apart. I know you knew how your behaviour was changing. It was a conscious effort of your part to distance yourself from your former life. I know you knew just how hurtful you were being to the boys and I. A part of me would like to believe you were actually contrite about it. Some part of you recognized your wrong doing but your stubborn personality didn’t let you admit it. Instead, you started to play the victim, putting the blame on me. Saying it was my fault because I should have told you. But the fact is YOU KNEW. You just couldn’t take accountability. Nothing was ever your fault, you never say sorry and you refused to do it when you should have. Instead, things just snowballed. You treated us worse and worse but justified in your head how we were deserving of being treated this way. You built a wall out of guilt and anger and used it as fuel.
You carry a lot of hate towards me in your heart. When you said all those things, it was as though the sack of hate you carried around got too heavy and you decided to dump it all on me. It was obvious you carried this hate for a long time. I don’t know when it started and I am sure it still grows. You will let it fester for as long as you can because hating me seems to be what drives you. I am your proverbial punching bag. You have decided the cause of all your problems stem back to me, as far fetched as that is. You truly believe in your heart, your hate is justified and because of this you will always throw that hate back to me. You are filled with malicious intent. It shows just how unhappy you truly are. I feel sorry for you. No one should have to carry so much unhappiness with them. And to have so much weighing on you that you feel the need to explode, and to explode the way you do, isn’t healthy. You pretend as though none of this is your making, as if you have had no hand in the dissolution of something that was once unbreakable. And I am here to firmly place the responsibility on your shoulders. Perhaps that’s why you hate me so much because I don’t see you as a victim and I never will. I see you for who you truly are, the creator of this. You caused this. Just as much as you choose to say you didn’t, this is your making. Your deep rooted disrespect and distaste for me caused this and if that is not the case then why does a soccer mom sticker bother you so much.
To stoop so low as to bring up things from my past; that my husband and I have moved on from, which are quite frankly none of your business, shows just how untrustworthy you are. To bring up my children, and pointblank tell me they don’t love me and are afraid of me is cold hearted and cruel. To bring up my social anxieties and fear of rejection from other people shows just how hurtful you want to be. Taking issue with something as minute as my ‘soccer mom’ sticker shows just how much you despise me. You want to hurt me. You will throw everything you know about me at me just to hurt me. To purposely want to hurt me this much, speaks volumes about you.
You and your incessant need to assert your dominance will be the reason the already strained relationship I have with our parents ceases to exist. You have no problems disrespecting my home and family. You walk into my house and pass my husband, children and myself without a word as if that proves some sort of point. Your behaviour is permeated with superiority, the idea that you are better than me and can mistreat me and my family whenever you chose. You are owed something. You have every right to something. When in reality, none of that is true and you know it. You have stood on my lawn and cussed me. You know you are not welcome here but you will insist on coming when our parents return, just to prove that you can. You will force their hand to choose, full well knowing they will choose you. Not because you are right but because they don’t want to have your anger projected on them. I have distanced myself from our parents to make things easier and alleviate tensions. My family and I leave my home every time we know you are coming by so we avoid conflict. But you are so entitled, even though you know this you will insist on coming by and causing further tensions between us. You will make sure I am completely out of their life. And then when I leave, because you have given me no other choice, you will make me the cause of the separation. The blame will be placed squarely on my shoulders rather than on you. You will play the victim, a role you know well, and project your anger onto me further.
I wish I understood your actions. I wish I understood your intentions. I don’t understand why you want me to be as unhappy as you are. I just don’t get it. What pleasure does it bring you to see all of my relationships fall apart? Why do you want me to question everything I have ever known? Looking down on me is one thing but trying to break me is another.
I wish I had seen this coming. I don’t hate you. I wish I could. I wish I could be as angry with you as you are with me. But I’m not. I am hurt, and disappointed. I expected so much more from you. I held you in such high regard. I would brag about the achievements of my little sister to everyone. I was proud of you. I defended you, time and time again, when people would tell me you were selfish, mean spirited and cold. I chose you over my friends. That’s why I have no friends. They would tell me about your shortcomings and I wouldn’t hear it. I walked away from them because you needed me more. I believed you had good in you and you proved me wrong. For years, you used my family and I. You were so ready to take and I let you take advantage of our good intentions and that is on me. I should have walked away from you a long time ago. I should have realized who you were a long time ago. I don’t wish you bad. I wish you well. I wish you happiness. I still only want good things for you and your family. But as of June 10th, my family and I will not be present in your life anymore. You have made it clear, we are not welcome and never were. I will never forget the things you said. In fact, in the few moments when I miss you, I recall the venom you spewed. I remember the hate in your voice. I remember the condescending things you said. And I move on. The things you said will never be forgiven and in time I hope to forget you.
May you find whatever it is you are looking for. I hope you impress all those you are trying so desperately to impress.
I hope you are happy with the woman you become.