Lesson #3 – Reflections

These posts all have a common theme, I expected my sister to behave in a certain way and she didn’t want to.  I believed she was a certain way but I didn’t see her for who she really was.

I feel so stupid for believing she was who I thought she was.  I should have seen her for the person she truly was.  I can’t be angry at her because she has always shown me who she was, I just failed to see it.

I am disappointed in myself more than anything else. More than anything coming to terms with all the feelings I am going through makes this whole process even harder.  I held my sister in very high regard.  I saw her as someone I could count on, someone who I could lean on, someone who I could confide in.  I ignored all the times she was selfish, self-concerned, mean, vindictive, hurtful and cold.  I wrote those off as anomalies but that is who she was/is.  I shouldn’t have just accepted her behaviour or dismissed it or even worse defended it.  I should have known better.  And because of my poor judgement, my kids are paying the price.

I really wish it hadn’t taken me years to see who she really was. I should have realized sooner my family was just a convenience to her.  People she could use and abuse at her whim.  I wish I hadn’t enamoured my children to her.  That is my greatest regret.  The pain they feel; the hurt, confusion, self-doubt, all of it is my fault.  They haven’t done anything wrong.  They shouldn’t be made to feel as if they are not as appreciated as the other people in her life.  I gave her that kind of power over them.  As a parent, I never should have done that.

I have to state, emphatically, these posts are not about bad mouthing my sister. The purpose of these posts is to help me.  She is who she is and living her life as she sees fit.  I am not here to convince anyone of anything.  By writing down the things she has put me through, put my boys through, it is helping me come to terms with the state of our relationship now.  And what it will be like in the future.  I need to remind myself to be more selective of those I trust with my children’s emotions and this is how I remind myself.  Rereading the posts reminds me not to fall victim to pity visits and half-hearted attempts at a relationship with my boys.  I recognize them for what they are.  What’s done is done.  I can’t change that.  I can just make sure it doesn’t happen again.

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