Implant in

So I have officially had my implant implanted.  It’s be doing its implant stuff in me for a week now.  The procedure to get the implant into me turned out to be a lot more complicated than I first understood it to be.  I thought they were just going to find the right spot and stick it in.  Turns out there was more to it than that.  I had to get my uterus scrapped out and then she did a biopsy on a part of my small cyst.  She didn’t touch the hemorrhaging cyst because she wasn’t sure how much it would bleed if she tried to take a portion of it.  And then she found the right spot and jammed in the implant as far as it would go.  All while I was awake and feeling every damn thing she was doing.  None of what she was doing was pleasant and I thought I could be brave and not request the pill to calm me down but I should have.  Even with the pain killers, I still felt everything and it hurt more than I thought it would.  She showed me the part of the cyst afterwards.  It was the size of a loonie all the way around.  It filled up the jar she transferred it to.  I know a loonie doesn’t sound that impressive but actually seeing it and seeing that it was big enough to hold.  I felt really woozy and had the worst headache after the procedure, which I didn’t expect.  There was some fantastic bleeding and cramping after as well but I did expect that so I had prepared myself to deal with it.  All of the physical side effects went away within the first couple of days.  Even the bleeding and cramping stopped.  I thought they would have lasted longer.  According to the doctor the bleeding and cramping could last as long as three months and given my track record of abnormal bleeding, I really thought that would apply to me but it turns out it didn’t.  Hopefully they stay away.

It is weird I feel like I am going through some sort of obstacle course, slowly defeating side effects as they raise up to oppose me.  Or it could be I have been watching too much American ninja warrior.  Whatever it is, I am feeling like I am going through the labyrinth waiting to face the minotaur.  I have made it through the physical side effects now it is time for me to battle* through the next set of side effects.

Right now it feels like I am going through all the emotional and hormonal side effects.  I can never be sure of these things though.  I make the assumptions based on what the doctor told me to expect and compartmentalize because that is what I do.  If these are the hormonal side effects, these ones are harder than the physical side effects.  With the physical side effects I can take pain killers if the cramps are too bad or I can take Advil if my head hurts too much.  There is nothing I can take if the radio commercial makes me cry.  There is no magic pill you can take to stave off hormonal eating binges.  It feels like the week before my period where I am not quite myself and I need to ride through curled in a ball crying at P & G commercials while eating Costco sized bags of all dressed chips.  I am not sure how long it will last but if it lasts more than a week that won’t be good.  My family has been conditioned to deal with my crazy for only a week or so at a time.  Anything longer may drive us all up the wall.**

The whole purpose of the implant was to introduce a new kind of concoction into my system so my body thinks I am going through menopause but that means I will feel like I am going through menopause complete with mood swings and cravings.  It could take up to six weeks for my body to get used to be in menopause and until it gets used to it the emotional and hormonal side effects will be sticking around.

My cycle is supposed to restart in a couple of weeks, if it follows the pattern it has always followed, all this emotional stuff will be over in the next couple of days.  If it doesn’t then it will be interesting to see what happens next.  It’s not all negative though, I only have to go through this once.  Once everything settles down, I should be set for the next five years, no more worrying about fibroids, cysts or a warped uterus.  I might finally go back to normal.

And that will be nice.

*slightly dramatic on my part, I know, but in my head it seems like that is the right word.

** again, slightly overdramatic but an accurate description of what we are capable of dealing with and what may potentially happen if we exceed what we are capable of bearing.

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