I have been away for a long time. Not cause I wanted to be but more because if I wrote about what was going on I could violate some contract thingies. I wanted to make sure I didn’t write anything I could get in trouble for.
So I started a new job in May. It was probably the hardest thing I have ever done, career wise. The loyal part of me just could not fathom leaving even though it had become evident that working where I was was slowly killing me.
I was getting sick because of all the stress involved which when I stop to think about it is crazy. I let someplace dictate my life so much that when I was overwhelmed, I would become physically ill. And this went on for years and I stayed through it all because I kept thinking I was proving myself, proving my worth to these people. But in reality, I was just a work horse. I would never get the respect I thought I deserved and it took me a long time to come to terms with that. Finally coming to that realization was hard. I have to admit I didn’t want to accept it to a certain extent. I kept holding on to the idea of eventually one day these people would realize just how valuable I was to them however it was just never going to happen. I didn’t fit into their ideal and nothing I could do was ever going to make me fit.
So I moved on.
Once I started looking I realized how attractive I was to other places out there. I had the loyalty thing plus skills and experience. Turns out I am a good catch. I ended up getting two offers on the same day. Both were fairly similar. In fact before I started negotiating both offers were practically identical. Once I started negotiating, one company gave me everything I asked for. They really wanted me so why not give them a chance. It was a job, if things weren’t what I wanted them to be I would leave.
So I said yes and I have been here ever since.
Now I expected to have some sort of negative reaction when I handed in my resignation to my old job. I knew they wouldn’t try to block me from leaving, that would just be ridiculous and I would have fought them, but I readied myself to be met with thinly veiled insults or passive aggressive comments. I got none of it. They accepted my resignation in a professional manner and they were almost cordial with me leaving. I guess they were as ready for me to leave as I was to go.
I have been here for almost three months now. It is new and interesting. I am learning a lot. It is a completely different type of department. They are really smart people who are partial to logarithms and algebraic equations. The way they think is new to me and takes some getting used to. Some days I feel as though I am not smart enough to be here but I am slowly getting the hang of things and building up my confidence. Working to prove myself here feels different from the other place. I see people getting recognized here and I hope in time I can get recognized as well but I am not going to push myself to be respected. I know now respect either comes or it doesn’t. And if it doesn’t then I can still survive. As long as I am happy with what I put out, I will be ok.