It’s a new year so I should be posting a list of the resolutions that I aim to achieve this year. And after lots of thinking, I have no resolutions this year. Instead, I think I may have had an epiphany of sorts.
On New Year’s day I got a text from a friend that I have known since I was 13. She has traveled the world and has now settled in the Midwest of the US. We don’t talk daily, weekly or monthly. Our conversations are few and far between but when we do have conversations they are heartfelt, detailed and very thought provoking. I let my guard down around her and she is patient enough to wait for me to tell her when is on my mind instead of trying to get it out of me and because of that trait, she knows more about me than most. We were talking about all the changes that our lives have been going through and she told me about some of the regrets that she has.
That was the trigger point in our conversation and that is what got me thinking about my own regrets. I have had so many regrets and sad moments over the last couple of years and making up an imaginary list of resolutions will not make the deep rooted sadness in me go away.
So I am not making any resolutions this year.
Except for one.
I am going to aim to be happy.
I want to be happy, so that is a pretty good start.
Being happy means that I am going to have to accept a lot of things that I have tried to change for a long time. When it comes to my life; I have to accept that the scars won’t go away but that they will eventually fade. They will still be there though. And no matter how hard I try to make them go away, they will still be there and in order to find some semblance of tranquility, I need to accept that.
Being happy means that I cannot be perfect. I know that I am not perfect now and that is not a deterrent to perfection, it just used to make me want it more. I have to let that go. I am far from perfect, I will not achieve perfection but I will get peace. I will not be perfect at work, no matter how hard I try. I will never be the mom that is in magazines, tv or pinterest. I can only be me, the me that once was.
The me that was once happy.
I don’t remember the last time that I was truly uninhibited happy because it has been a long time since I have not have some sort of self imposed stress applied to me by me.
I am going to stop doing that.
That should be a good place to start.