Dissolution of 2013

2013 was a difficult year.  It was a year that tested me mentally and emotionally.  I really didn’t know if I would come away from it whole.

I did.

But things have certainly changed.

I swear that 2013 was a year that tested my marriage in so many ways.  It was the one and only year, since getting married, where I thought that Millhouse and I would permanently go our separate ways.  Millhouse and I have never had the type of relationship where we are lovey dovey all the time.  In fact, couples that feel the need to constantly tell me how happy and in love they are always strike me as fake.

Constantly reaffirming just how wonderfully in love you are, makes me think that they are a lot of issues in your relationship and you need to convince yourself and the outside world that everything is fine.  I am not like that.  Millhouse is not like that.  We are comfortable with each other and as long as the other person knows how we feel, we generally don’t go around advertising our married life.

But Millhouse losing his job, three years ago, changed all that.  It changed Millhouse, fundamentally, and that created chaos in our relationship.  Financial stress led Millhouse into the deepest depression that I have ever experienced in the twelve years that we have been a couple.  He would spend days in bed either sleeping or watching CNN and Storage Wars but he was never really watching the shows.  He would just be staring at the TV.  We did not speak at all.  I tried to get him to talk to me but we would end up fighting so I would just walk away.  He retreated into himself so bad that he stopped talking to everyone, including the boys.  He would be dismissive, angry and distraught all at the same time.  He pretty much gave up on everything even finding a job that suited him.  It was hard to watch him.  I tried to engage him but there were times that I gave up too.  I was afraid that things would not get better so I didn’t try at all.

Jobs were so scarce that he couldn’t find anything that he wanted to do and ended up with a lot of low paying, high stress jobs.  And that made things even worse.  He went from being deeply depressed to agitated and exhausted, all the time.  He worked nights, six days a week and hardly ever saw the boys or I.  When he was home, he was so tired that all he wanted to do was sleep.  He did not have the energy to be a functioning part of our lives.  And this was a drain on him and I.

On more than one occasion this year, the question of him leaving came up.  Twice Millhouse asked if this is something that we should still be doing.  And there were times when I wanted to scream that he should leave.  I know that part of him wanted to hear that we didn’t need him.  He felt bad about himself and he was convinced that he wasn’t enough to be with us.  But there was a bigger part of him that wanted to stay and that part fought to stay.

In the last two months though, things have started to get better.  They are more like how they used to be.  We both got to the point where we understood that we were at a crossroads and if we did not make an honest effort to make this work, it would all fall apart.  So we are trying, really damn hard now, we are trying to make it work.

2013 also took my grandmother from me.  It’s been three months since she passed away and I am still not able to talk about it.  I was never her favourite grandchild.  But I loved her so much that it doesn’t feel real not having her here.  She was the only grandparent that I ever knew and even though she was far from the most perfect grandmother out there, she was my mama.  She was the lady that persevered though just about everything.  It hurts to know that she is gone.  It hurts to know that she will not be there to talk to anymore.  I don’t know what going back to Trinidad would be like now and part of me is not ready to go back yet.  I cannot face her home yet.  Not without her there.

I look forward to 2014.

2013 took me to the bottom.  I am ready to start rising again.

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