16 months and 6 days ago, I was scared

One of the joys* of pregnancy is the barrage of tests that you have to go through.  Most of them are government regulated so you have to get them done even if you use a midwife.  So for ten months, you become a human pincushion being bled at every appointment.  One of the very first tests that they do is for a scan for Downs syndrome.  I usually look forward to this test because it is a blood test and an ultrasound.  I love the ultrasound part.  It is usually the first time you get to actually “see” your baby.

With Mat, I was looking forward to this test big time.  There was some confusion as to my actual conception date and getting the ultrasound done would clear up a lot of things, like when I was actually due.  I wasn’t prepared for what I was told at this first ultrasound.  They couldn’t find one of the chambers of Mat’s heart.  There were some anomalies.  Mat’s had some of the markers for Down syndrome.  Plus, I was over thirty.  When you combined it all up, there was a one in four chance that Mat was going to be born with Down’s syndrome.

I was never so scared in my life.  I didn’t know how to act and to be completely honest, I didn’t act.  The only people that knew that there was a 25% chance that Mat would be born with Downs syndrome was Beanz and Millhouse.  We didn’t tell anyone else.  We just kept focusing on have healthy baby and if that healthy baby had Downs syndrome then we would love him and care for him just like we loved and cared for Maks.  Part of me was scared for me.  I didn’t know how to care for a special needs child.  I wasn’t confident that I would be able to do it.  I wasn’t sure if Millhouse and I were strong enough to do it.  That fear, was kept bottled up inside of me.  I began to fear my ultrasound appointments, because I wasn’t sure what else they were going to tell me.

And there were a lot of them.

I went for an ultrasound every week after that.  My midwife was measuring Mat’s head circumference, they were looking for pictures of his eyes and tongue and always looking at his heart.

Always.

They didn’t see the fourth chamber until two weeks before I went into labour.  That made my midwife immensely happy.  She said that was a good sign.  His head and eye development all showed a chance that he would be born without Downs syndrome.  But seeing a perfectly functioning fourth ventricle was the best sign.

Ever.

By the grace of the fates, and faeries, Mat was born healthy and happy.  I am forever grateful for that.  There are times when I look at my ninja baby in a state of wonderment, because he defied some odds that one.  He showed them that he was going to be OK even when Millhouse and I were being told that he wouldn’t be OK.

He turned 16 months old yesterday and that flutter of fear that I had when I didn’t know if he would be OK, is still there.  He isn’t developing as fast as his brother did.  He didn’t take his first steps until months after his first birthday.  Speech still alludes him.  This frightens me.  I begin to wonder if these are the effects of a late developing heart.  Is this something that I should worry about.  Most of the time, I stop myself from worrying too much.  Instead, I focus on my baby.  I know speech will eventually come.  And if it doesn’t, then we will be strong enough to live with that.

*And by joys, I mean banes.  I was being sarcastic just then but because no has invented a sarcasm font yet, I had to clarify what I meant.  I wish someone would hurry up and invent a sarcasm font.